


Dear Diary

by Shimruto



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Crack, God is awesome here, God's too, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, as well as his mates, from shim and jung, it's just a mess now, just be understanding of his and my pain, siwie, surprisingly from heechul, with special chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2019-06-08 20:50:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 33,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15251790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shimruto/pseuds/Shimruto
Summary: Siwon on his quest to win his love (with millions of snippets possible in the future).Special chapters - Shimu, Yunho, Heechul, God (yes you read it right)(and possible others)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It was born from the outer experience of @KawaiPickle 's "Homin for beginners" masterpiece

  Dear diary,

Today my day is dark. My Passion man left to serve the country. I do not know how I would be able to cope with the reality without his beauty in my presence. I wished so hard to say him goodbye personally but we couldn’t meet because the manager sent me the wrong address… I still managed to catch a glimpse of him after checking the news with the righteous people who follow him around and update on his well-being (bless  their hard work) – Changmin was surprised to see me and rudely asked how I found my way here… This dongsaeng really needs to be taught some manners! I am so happy Yunho said he would punish him for treating me badly^^ Changmin was so shamed that he even turned red^^ well he deserves such attitude!

 

  Dear diary,

I got a hold of Yunho’s number finally – he really has to stop changing it if he does not even remember he did it anymore! – a lot of my beautiful messages were lost unread because of this:(( Yunho sent me a message to take care of Changmin because he is alone now. I don’t understand why I should have anything to do with that brat but for You My Passion Messiah I would do anything!!!!!

 

  Dear diary

Changmin is strange. He was so cold when I tried to talk to him at first but after he heard that Yunho asked me to help him though he allowed me to stay with him to eat before the concert. This guy did not even talk – just ate all those servings while staring at me. I wanted to quit this idea already but then he kinda… smiled… for the first time I know him… and… it… was so… beautiful… (though his eyes were glimpsing strange). I think I will keep him company for now.

 

  Dear diary

Changmin shares food and stories with me and this is very fun. I paid for everything we ate. He was very happy.

 

 Dear diary

I saw Changmin sniffing some jacket when I was passing his waiting room. He said it was an inhaling exercise to better perform live… should I try this too? But do I also have to be half-naked for this? :/

 

  Dear diary

Today we had SMTown in Japan and Changmin was performing so mesmerizing and passionate and powerful and majestic xD…  He is one kind of the guy – a riddle for others but for me he is an open book! This man deserves love! He already has it from me! I am sorry, Yunho, but this fragile man who trusts me and relies on me now… I can’t betray his sacrifice to let the barriers down and fly to me with his beautiful soul. As a spiritual man I have to devote myself to one person only and it is Shim forever!

 

  Dear diary

I found out that Changmin is enlisting soon. Bless Jesus it is not active duty! He wants to pass police exams too… I knew it! He loves me back! I said to him that I was going to enroll in police and he became so enthusiastic when he learned the dates and the discharge time. He would look so heavenly gorgeous in the uniform! I did not see him after that meeting – he seemed to be busy with preparing for the exams and I heard he drove out of the city for additional physical exercises somewhere around Yunho’s base actually… Too sad he did not take me with him:’( He returned so refreshed though with some bruises from excessive training. This man is so hard working!

 


	2. Chapter 2

  Dear diary,

Today is our first day of being together. We met during the enlisting ceremony. Changmin is so cute with his haircut – I want to love his ears with all my heart. A lot of reporters came and I felt… I felt like this was our official day (KYAA only imagine when he says YES to me in the future). His family came and what can I say? They liked me – how could they not? - I could see it in the gentle smiles of his sisters when they were whispering something to Changmin taking some small silver thing from him. Changmin asked me to take a photo of him in uniform. He looks so stunning! He knows it too because he smiled a lot during that day checking his phone.

 

  Dear diary,

The fate is cruel but I am strong! We received our bed-places and unfortunately I am not too close to Changmin. But I will make sure to be close to him during all day.

 

  Dear diary,

We had a shower together today. My angel is beautiful! His proportions are God-like (Bless you Jesus, Amen)! He was shy and did not come close to me. His soul is so pure – I have to be on alert as there are a lot of hungry coyotes around us trying to snatch a piece of him! I can see it in their eyes! I will protect him – he deserves only pure love and gentle touches.

 

  Dear diary,

Changmin and Donghae got friendly really fast. I am happy my prince accepts my dear brothers as his future family so quickly.

 

  Dear diary,

Donghae was really sad tonight and my pure Bambi proved to have the kindest heart. He hugged Donghae right in the bed saying a lot of comforting things about trust, friendship and love. His words were so passionate. I am so touched - this baby thinks so much of me! I joined them and provided my most sincere prayer recommendations. They hugged even more after this and seemed to even cry a little because I could feel their trembling shoulders.  

 

  Dear diary,

I forgot to mention that we were only in underwear last night^^

 

  Dear diary,

I worry about Changmin. Today is his first break and he is so nervous constantly checking himself in the mirror and staring at his phone. My baby is really devastated that our breaks did not match. He is going to be all alone and sad. I hope he will survive this awful day of separating.

 

  Dear diary,

Changmin does not answer my messages. But I understand. He keeps it together in the most undamaging way as possible.

 

  Dear diary,

Changmin returned today and he is SO HAPPY. He is radiating pure light with his beautiful eyes. He even hugged me today to express his undying love for me. I love him so much. Bless Jesus! /but why does he have those red marks on his body again? :/


	3. Chapter 3

  Dear diary,

Today our breaks matched and we went shopping together. Changmin was asking for my opinion on the clothes we were trying… This subtle baby wants to buy me a present! I will pretend I do not know anything – he is working so hard for our love. I chose a grey sweater and gave him time to buy it secretly^^ I saw him arranging a package after that at a post office. He wants to make a whole event out of it! Oh Jesus, I am so blessed! Amen!

 

  Dear diary,

I think I will need to file a complaint on post office services after discharging. I think they lost Changmin’s precious package! This is so unacceptable!

 

  Dear diary,

My angel is so committed to his vocation as an artist! I heard him speaking with Yunho on the phone at night (his voice was so hoarse – should be because he did not want to wake up anybody). They seemed to discuss their determination to keep practicing. They really have hard dance routines – my prince was complaining on the lack of time they have now for necessary stretching and something about filling the right spots with the sharp hand moves when the legs give in because of pressure. Oh my pure devoted Bambi!

 

  Dear diary,

Today our breaks matched again and Changmin was so happy and excited to go with me to the café. Unfortunately our date was interrupted when Yunho arrived. Changmin was so sad that he could not share more time with me that decided to leave right away to take a walk alone… Yunho left too after some time. Such a pity we did not share the drinks I ordered (I paid). BTW – Yunho really has to stop copying my style – he wore a similar grey sweater Changmin had bought for me!

 

  Dear diary,

Today I went earlier on a break to buy Changmin new branded shoes he liked. I met him later and he was delighted to accept them. I was getting ready for our little romantic get-away but then Yunho came again (carrying the bag Changmin had bought with me again – this hyung has no shame to follow our fashion sense!). He brought a lot of bread with him for Changmin (at least he cares that his bandmate eats properly). Changmin ate half and put the rest in the bag from my present forgetting the box with the shoes on the table. Bless Jesus, this clumsy angel has me for taking care of his things!

 

  Dear diary,

We went to SMU café with Changmin. The fans were so happy to see us together! They took a lot of pictures and I am happy these righteous people approve of our unique bond. I reserved a room with the special menu to surprise Changmin but Yunho arrived again and they went to another VIP zone together. I understand! This is work! I am not a suffocating partner and will be proud to know that Changmin does what he loves the most. I am also happy to know that my baby expresses his views and fights for his opinion! I heard some noise from their room and at one point they even shouted each other’s names in the heat of argument – but Changmin was smiling when they came out so I think they reached a satisfying agreement. Please let our love support him forever! Amen!


	4. Chapter 4

  Dear diary,   
  
Today we went bowling with Changmin again. I bought him a lot of food. He was happy^^ I saw the good-hearted people of internet comment very warmly on our union. A reminder for myself - I have to buy him a good telephone because he uses only mine for taking our pictures... He is shy to say he wants our shared folder together but I feel his heart.

  
  
  
  Dear diary,   
  
I think Yunho is in a secret relationship. I saw him having another phone with a background picture of him and a girl in a long red dress with feathers. I couldn't see her face unfortunately...

  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Changmin seems to have a second phone I have never seen before. I think he uses it for mastering his voice techniques because he watched the recordings of his screams and high pitch voice there. (maybe he is teaching Yunho too... I think I heard his voice there several times)

  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Changmin's breaks stopped matching mine though I think I requested the dates we discussed before. He spends so much time alone - I worry about him. He is so considerate of our hurting hearts during these moments that he leaves earlier on these days not letting me see him cry... I have to prepare for our life together after discharge and compensate for all the time we missed. Love, Jesus.

  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
I think Changmin is preparing me a surprise)) He constantly checked his next break and didn't let go of his phone. I know something big is coming because he is the most excited right now^^ He even sneaked his uniform this time - wonder what he is planning, my little angel^^ (Oh by the way Yunho's discharge is today - finally he would go overseas and wouldn't interrupt us)

  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Today my brothers from Super Junior live-broadcast Yunho's comeback stage with Drop song. He had a very unfortunate incident of ripping his pants. Changmin was so flustered after this that didn't return from the showers for two hours...

  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Tomorrow is our discharge day. These were such fruitful and full of love years. I want to continue to nourish our relationship and hope our love will blossom even more after we would be able to visit each other's houses that in future would turn into one just as our souls^^ Amen.  



	5. Chapter 5

  Dear diary,

Today Yunho finally (after only 42 messages) sent me the photos from Jihye’s wedding. I hoped to frame our photos with Changmin like they deserved but unfortunately couldn’t find any shots with the two of us. So strange… We had so much fun with my angel though he constantly disappeared to help Yunho with something. I should say they have such a brotherly relationship – Yunho’s parents called Changmin a son all the time and asked whether they were planning on marriage soon. It seems Yunho’s secret relationship with that lady in the red dress is pretty serious. :/

 

  Dear diary,

I am slowly returning to the group activities. I decided to give Changmin some time to adjust to the post-army life but Heechul called and said that TVXQ held a press conference already. He said that Changmin talked about me in the interviews. I am so happy that my baby thinks about me all the time! Have to watch all the videos as soon as possible! Love, Jesus.

 

  Dear diary,

I watched all Changmin’s interviews… My sweetheart joked about choosing Yunho again – just like in the army all the time… Well, he is a playful baby who loves to tease me because I can’t resist those beautiful eyes and stay mad for a long time. Still hope he will mention our love soon! Love, Jesus.

 

  Dear diary,

I met up with Kyuhyun on his break today. My little brother is doing very well and I am proud of him. I told him about our new-found happiness with Changmin. He looked at me … strange?... Well – no need to be that protective of his best friend! I also told him about my suspicions about Yunho’s secret relationship. Kyuhyun made a funny face and said that he had seen a red dress at Changmin’s apartment before… Yunho really has to chill down and stop using my angel’s good-natured heart for his secret meetings!!!! Kyuhyun fully supports me here because he was patting me on the back after that for a long time.  

 

  Dear diary,

Today I waited for Changmin the whole evening but it seems he didn’t receive my messages…

 

  Dear diary,

I learned that Changmin went to Yunho’s MV shooting place yesterday. I think there was bad connection in that building – that is why we couldn’t meet.

 

  Dear diary,

I was supposed to meet Changmin today after his schedule but he finished earlier than planned and left by himself. Too sad he did not try the cakes I bought for him…

 

  Dear diary,

I heard Changmin waited for Yunho’s coffee delivery on the set for an hour after wrapping up the shoot. THIS hyung does not care about Changmin’s private time at all!!!

 

  Dear diary,

I saw the broadcasts of “Happy together” and “Knowing Brothers” with Changmin today… He talked about Yunho a lot… I should work harder for the sake of our relationship! Yunho is full of passion and may sway Changmin’s feelings a little I think (I should confess this hyung is very strong – I was a victim myself…) I sent to my angel our edited picture for the background wallpaper to keep him focused^^

P.S. Donghae met up with my baby this evening and said that Changmin had a screenshot of Bubushinki moment from Happy together on the phone as background… I am confused…

 

  Dear diary,

I wrote a wonderful letter to Changmin today and secretly put it on the table near him when he and Yunho were eating lunch during the practice. Unfortunately Yunho spilled his coffee at that moment and Changmin used my letter to stop the water from reaching Yunho’s review slides… I have to rewrite it again…

 

  Dear diary,

We ate out with Changmin today and he wore that strange silver bracelet again… Should I buy him silver jewellery instead of usual gold?

 

  Dear diary,

Today Heechul sent me the fancams of YouR PresenT concert (he really texts me a lot lately using strange emojis…) Yunho confessed to Changmin during the MC part (fortunately my baby is too pure to understand such things)… This hyung really started his tricky game BUT I believe in our love and I will work hard for our future! Amen.

 


	6. Chapter 6

  Dear diary,

Today I spent a day at home feeling sick – seems I caught the flu. Heechul came to bring me the medicine and was so sweet calling my angel to notify him about my condition. Changmin sent me a “Fighting” message – I am glad he cares about me so much! I have to stay at home for several days but I am sure this confirmation of Changmin’s love will help me to get better much quicker.

 

  Dear diary,

I feel much better – maybe will go to the agency tomorrow.

P.S. Heechul sent me a 40 minutes long video of Yunho was sitting quietly on the sofa with an ice pack on his arm and Changmin going in and out of the practice room with different med packs and throwing tantrum about his poor heart and the inability to finish the preparation for the concerts on time because of this… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  Yunho is losing a LOT of points making Changmin mad with his awful clumsiness. It is a matter of time when he would see Yunho’s imperfections!! Bless Heechul!

 

  Dear diary,

I saw the photos from SM Halloween party – Changmin looked so stunning in that uniform!!! My angel was so easily stylish and dashing – I love him!!! Everyone said that he was very cheerful and happy during the whole evening. I am glad he enjoyed himself.

P.S. Yunho lost a lot of points again hahaha… He wore a costume from an anime…. hahaha Just to think that he did not use this chance to wear couple outfit with Changmin!!! My baby certainty did not even notice Yunho’s latest advances – my faith in our love rests in peace!

P.S.S Heechul sent me a video of Changmin and Yunho leaving the party in the same car… I mean… I know they are in the same group – logical for them to use the same car! This hyung is strange lately…

 

  Dear diary,

Today I had a dinner Changmin and Yunho at the café. I wanted to pay for it to show my undying love for my angel but Yunho was quicker… I have to work harder!

 

  Dear diary,

We were playing around during the lunch break with Changmin and he was so cutely excited to show me the new Lego models that his favourite brand released. I saw how he especially liked that spaceship from Star Wars… Huhuhu I bought it today and will give it to him tomorrow.

 

  Dear diary,

I came to Changmin’s apartment today to give him my present but at that moment I saw Yunho unpacking a lot of boxes from his car. It was the whole line of that new Lego release….all 16 models… I have to work harder /sniff sniff/

 


	7. Chapter 7

  Dear diary,

Donghae and Eunhyuk flooded me with the pictures and videos of Changmin attending Mihawk’s wedding together with Yunho. My dear brothers did not know that they were to sing a song there – of course they would be together! But I really have to talk to Yunho about his behavior. I may understand his inability to control his arms and distance in the presence of such an angel but we have to think about Changmin’s feelings first – and he was completely uncomfortable!!! Always with red (surely from discomfort) face when Yunho whispered too close or gripping the chair (surely from the urge to shove him off) when Yunho touched his back or leg. He evidently had enough at one point when he dragged Yunho out for a serious talk and the latter returned in a bit wrinkled state. My baby knows how to defend himself!!!

 

  Dear diary,

Today I called Changmin after our dinner (I paid) to prolong our beautiful minutes together but he hanged up quickly saying we had already talked before today...  but I saw him calling Yunho after their 18 hours schedule together and talk for hours…

P.S. I got it! My angel can talk only about work on the phone and leaves the warmth of personal conversations for private meetings.  Love himJ)) Bless, Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

I visited Changmin’s apartment today and wanted to place our photo on his bookshelf secretly. I was so excited that accidently knocked some books over and the empty space there exposed some hidden photo albums. There were the photos of Yunho or them together – around 20 thick albums (but I could not count all because Changmin called me). I do not understand… Changmin is a very progressive person – he does not have any photos printed in his entire apartment favouring the flash cards and internet storage places for keeping information…

P.S. I KNOW – Yunho is an analog person! HE put all those albums there (considering mostly his photos were there)! He is trying to subconsciously influence my pure angel! And… I have to acknowledge his passion… he always manages to outdo me by the range of his attempts… I have to work harder!

 

  Dear diary,

I saw Changmin rewatching Yunho’s ripping pants incident a lot… Wasn’t he embarrassed by it? Does he like red? Should I also buy red? Should I also rip something? I am confused… Jesus, inlighten me!

 

  Dear diary,

I returned from my abroad trip today and brought a very expensive painting as a present to Changmin again. But he still does not unpack them and does not hang them anywhere… Only that strange piece of modern art on his bedroom wall sighed by some Y. artist… Have to check who it is – maybe he will agree to sell me his collection. Love, Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

Changmin devoted the whole day to me today. We spent the morning excising in the gym, then we went to have a very tasty 6-dishes lunch (I paid), then went to the cinema (I paid), then we played games in slot-machines (I paid), then we had ice creams (Changmin paid) in the park watching the sunset together… but when I asked him - he still picked Yunho in the end… What do I do wrong?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't kick ok^^   
> this is the result of sleep deprivation and super human concentration not to black out at work when there was nothing to do

  Dear diary,

I saw that Changmin mentioned me calling him during VLive. At least I know he sees my missed calls... He said that I was doing it too often - should I switch to texts then?

 

  Dear diary,

I saw Changmin bickering with Yunho about the leg length again. I told Chami that my legs are shorter than his - just as he wants it to be in a healthy relationship - and said that he might find happiness with me... He still picked Yunho... then it's not about length?

 

  Dear diary,

Today Yunho became emotional and almost teared up. Changmin hugged him close and was comforting him saying a lot of nice things and gently stroking his back.   
I cried just like in my drama but he did not notice... maybe I have to improve my acting? Stay with Jesus! Love!

 

  Dear diary,

I saw the poster from "Begin Again" promotions. _"I met you. I fell for you. Yes, I've found a new place to return too."_

My angel still thinks about our fateful meeting:)))   
P.S. But why is Yunho in the picture too???

 

  Dear diary,

This morning my angel flew to Japan for shooting. I tried to Skype-call him several times but failed. He answered back only closer to midnight. It seems they were busy with moving into a new house because the room was filled with a lot of boxes (though they were still unpacked... strange - after so many hours??) and Changmin was lying on the floor looking very tired.It should be still hot in Japan because I saw Yunho was half naked in the background. Should I buy them an AC as a present?

 

  Dear diary,

I saw Changmin saying in the interview that separation made him realise the importance of his relationships... He hangs up on my calls lately more often... Is our separation not long enough? Bless, Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

I saw Yunho making a move at Changmin again. He touched his leg on camera so many times during the shooting that they even had to include it in the photo book. Changmin did not want to make a scene and let it stay... Just waiting for Yunho finally to have it tossed off just like mine when they are not on camera and finally understand my angel's feelings! Stay with Jesus!


	9. Chapter 9

  Dear diary,  
  
Today Changmin was to return from Japan^^ I bought his favourite beer and waited near his apartment till late night... but he did not show up... Maybe I mixed up the dates?... strange...  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
I watched closely the video of Changmin and Yunho in Japan and noticed that Yunho couldn't whistle^^^  
I trained for several days and mastered "Confession" to present it to my angel but he said that whistling in rooms brings bad luck and stopped me... He again left with Yunho after that... seems he was right(((  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Minho said that he was going to play One Piece video game with Changmin in the evening and I asked to join them. Minho was kind to enlighten me on the main rules of playing with Changmin and ways to behave around him^^ (for example not trying to lose on purpose and celebrate the win very passionately). He said that Changmin usually plays Luffy and that I should play Zoro but not to forget occasionally diss Luffy character to create a good competitive atmosphere. Unfortunately Changmin left after my second diss on Luffy... maybe my game skills really disappointed him? Bless, Jesus!  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Heechul threw out a Christmas party and Changmin with Yunho came too.I was so happy to see my angel because he did not answer my messages after the video game evening (by the way I am training every day to upgrade my skills and become an equal partner for him one day). Heechul had an excellent idea to put mistletoes in the room (I think it was a subtle way to help me to reconcile with Changmin in a very sweet way - my hyung is the best). But the timing was so off all the night:((((( Yunho almost never left Changmin's side and when he did and I was about to talk to my baby my dear brothers always called for my assistance - actually it was heart-warming to see how they finally appreciated my gospels that evening and found Jesus through me.  
P.S. I hope Yunho is not a part of any shady business because at the end of the night I heard how my brothers told him that they would wait for the return of his debt...  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Today we celebrated New Year. I know that Changmin is an unrivaled drinker - so I was ready to go to the limit to show him my strength compared to Yunho who gets drunk very quickly. I was right in my assumptions because Yunho got tipsy already after the third glass huhuhuhu)) but oddly Changmin did not drink much this night. He constantly fed Yunho and helped him around supporting him with his brotherly shoulder. Too sad he had to carry Yunho back home early but I understand that my angel is too caring. Love, Jesus!  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
  
Yesterday Yunho brought a lily with him and said that he got it from an unknown admirer. Changmin looked strange... and when Yunho went out he threw that lily in the waste bin.   
I ordered a big bouquet of roses to be delivered to me anonymously but he did not react at all... Maybe it's just lilies?...  or allergy?  
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Today Changmin started his IG personal account. I am so excited to see my baby opening up not only to me but also to the world. I commented on his picture. He didn't answer back yet... He should be busy because they did not even have time to upload different profile pictures.     
  
  
  Dear diary,  
  
Changmin confessed his love on IG today... but it was Donghae... why not me? I thought the only rival was Yunho...  
  



	10. Chapter 10

  Dear diary,

They say that old-fashioned ways of expressing love is very touching and memorable. I decided to follow this path and managed to find a cassette tape and record a mix-tape for Changmin with the songs he likes adding a sweet message at the end of each side. When he came to my house I had carelessness to leave it on the table and when I returned with beer Changmin was excitedly mumbling something about how he searched for this kind of tapes for a long time and that it would be a perfect ending touch for his event and then left… what event? What touch? I am confused… I think I will not attend Yunho’s birthday party tomorrow. Have to spend time in solitude and prayer more. Bless, Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

I made the right decision not to go to Yunho’s birthday party because my friends said that he disappeared almost right after the beginning and Changmin even left to search for him… It seems he found him only early in the morning because they arrived to the agency in Changmin’s private car very sleepy and drained today. My baby did not leave Yunho’s side even for a second (surely he was afraid that Yunho might flee away again from practice – poor him).

 

  Dear diary,

What is Homin? I saw Changmin searching it today online and smiling from ear to ear… Is it new restaurant? Should I take Changmin there? Love, Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

Today was Changmin’s birthday but I could not find him anywhere… What is this devil mystery of sudden disappearance of idols on birthdays?? Anyway I sent him my presents but Changmin said he did not receive anything… Should check with the delivery service later.

P.S. The service assured me that they delivered everything and that a blond man sighed the papers… Who is this blond man? Why was he at Changmin’s apartment? I should warn Changmin! It might be a stalker but I hope it is nothing dangerous. Amen!

P.S.S. I met with Changmin and said that he should change the locks in his apartment considering that it might have been penetrated. Even Yunho agreed here saying that the penetration was surely deep enough for that man to have an access to his mail. Changmin got so afraid that chocked on his food and dragged Yunho somewhere. Poor him! But I will protect him! Stay with Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

Today I learned that Changmin and Yunho would film “I live alone”. I wanted to congratulate them but when I stumbled upon them in a corner I heard they were discussing a design for a new living room and arguing who would be watering the flowers during their filming so that nobody would notice anything strange. At the end they separated the keys and hid them when the managers came. I am perplexed… I thought they had only one apartment each. Did they buy more? What for? Can the same key open different doors? … They are strange…

 

  Dear diary,

Heechul sent me a message that Changmin mentioned me in the Vogue Japan interview. I heard he talked about love too – I know we drifted apart a little lately but maybe the feelings are still strong between us? Have to check it late!

 

  Dear diary,

… I saw Vogue Japan… read the interview… saw the video…

 

  Dear diary,

I think I lost him… He only talked about love to Yunho and hugged him and behaved so affectionate like never before… I suspected something changed during last days… must be that Yunho’s power swayed him in the end and his feelings changed… I met him today and asked him to eat lunch with me instead of Yunho but he chose him… I am not blind – I can read between the lines! He is in love with Yunho… But that does not change our beautiful love back in the army days and I… I… I think I still have a chance! Yunho swayed him by his passion – I AM PASSIONATE TOO! I will fight for my love! Jesus, bless me and guide me on this path! Amen!

P.S. my brothers are strange – they were happy to hear from me that Changmin loved Yunho but angry that I still would pursue him… shouldn’t it be vice versa?


	11. Chapter 11

  Dear diary,

I did some research and saw that Changmin mentioned admiring and liking Yunho’s horse thighs… HORSE thighs! Huhuhu and who can beat the original horse? Of course nobody! I bought a lot of protein and ordered a special training program with special menu. All of this was delivered to my home today (I had to set up a special room for everything to fit). Tomorrow I will start a horse program! Love, Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

Today I heard how Changmin was persuading Yunho to lose weight for the comeback… completely… to show off his body… What about my nakedness all the time? Does he like thin people now? Should I lose my muscles now?

P.S. What to do with all protein? Maybe Shindong knows how to resell it?

 

  Dear diary,

Changmin said Yunho had amazing broad shoulders… I can’t keep up with the changes of his ideal body proportions… I am training but the result is still not the one he likes. How is Yunho able to maintain these peculiar measurements? Is it the trainer? Is it the dieting? Is it passion? Is it God?   

*tear drops on the page*

 

  Dear diary,

They are strange... Today I saw Changmin showing something on the phone to a very crimson Yunho. He said that he could finally rest in peace knowing that people saw the truth after such a long time and accepted that Minho was true and was gaining popularity… but Shinee has been popular for a long time already and Minho is one of the most amazing people I know? Did I miss something?

 

  Dear diary,

Changmin mentioned during lunch break that he wanted some fresh and tasty snacks during this weather. I bought strawberries with cream and wanted to eat them together with him creating a romantic atmosphere but he took all strawberries and fed them to Yunho… with his hands… wiping the cream… with his fingers…

P.S. Yunho said he wanted a peach in the evening… a peach? one peach only? What does Changmin see in him? I would buy him not one but a basket of peaches if only he asked! Jesus!!

 

  Dear diary,

They started full preparation for the upcoming comeback. I know that this time maybe very stressful and decided to support Changmin through this difficult period but I can’t see him even during breaks now… They are always in the practice room – even when all the dancers and managers leave they still stay there. I understand their passion but do they have to actually lock out the door? I can’t pass any lunch boxes to him! They even leave around midnight or later and always through the back door… Yunho always takes Changmin to his van and I can’t impress him with all my amazing cars! Passion life is hard! Stay with Jesus!


	12. A special thanks chapter - Shim's diary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading - 1000 hits is just mind-blowing^^ I am sure it is the milestone that I will never repeat again so please have this as a token of my deep appreciation! Love you!
> 
> /somehow unintentionally it resulted in 1000 words - shinkimagic is strong with this one/

Dear diary,

Today I spent 2 additional hours at the gym after the concert because Hyung says it is not nice to hurt people. But is it NICE to feed someone a cake from the FINGER in front of a very much alive BOYFRIEND? Siwon is walking only because my cardio today was exhausting enough. Yunho is mine!

 

Dear diary,

I let my concentration slip and the managers already fuck up Hyung’s schedule by adding a shooting of the drama with Siwon. At least I succeeded in reducing his appearance there for several episodes only. (though I can’t say we were not satisfied with the flow of our “negotiations”)

 

Dear diary,

Damn Siwon and his money abilities to find the ways to get Hyung’s new phone numbers all the time! I run out of the names to buy the new SIM cards already…

 

Dear diary,

Hyung enlisted today… I still have to figure out how to shut down the managers’ attempts for my solo career. They want me to perform alone at the concerts… I hate it! There is a hole inside my heart every time I think about it. We did not even have enough time to say proper goodbyes because of Siwon! This persistent bee is really something - to find us so quickly considering I cleared Hyung’s phone messages today. I was so frustrated that I snapped at Siwon. Hyung reminded me of the manners and said he would punish me later… Should I snap at Siwon more?

 

Dear diary,

Siwon is strange…He came to my waiting room today and said that Hyung asked him to take care of me. Is Yunho poking fun at me? I understand he is oblivious to all the bees flying around him in hope of attention but this is Siwon we are talking about! He is following Yunho around all the time… but that may stop… as they say - hold your friends close but your enemies closer^^)) I will make sure to know all Siwon’s moves and schedule to block his access to my Hyung as much as possible:)))) Yunho is mine!

 

Dear diary,

I spend most of the time with Siwon now. He is not that bad when he is not trying to steal my Hyung. He buys me food)))

 

Dear diary,

Siwon showed me his enlistment papers today – he is going to the police. I checked the dates! That is it! I have to prepare for the exams now and go to visit Hyung to pass the good news!

 

Dear diary,

Hyung apparently heard that I spent a lot of time with Siwon lately. He said he was frustrated without a reason every time he saw an article about us^^ Hyung is jealous:))) Thanks, Siwon! It was the best reunion we had till now.  

 

Dear diary,

Army is slow. The brightest days are the breaks when I can meet up with Hyung. They would be much brighter if Siwon did not tag along. Is he still chasing after Yunho? It does not seem so because Hyung says he has not received any calls from him anymore… But somehow Siwon keeps calling and messaging me all the time… I even had to change my breaks so that he would not interfere in my dates with Hyung. Finally the time is only ours alone! Yunho is mine!

 

Dear diary,

I am finally reunited with Hyung. Now our forever is starting! Hyung is so funny when I mention how I always choose him over Siwon in interviews^^ He should know by now that I will choose him over anyone. But this strawberry pie is so cute I can’t stop teasing him.

P.S. Siwon sends me our selcas non-stop – my spam folder is already full… I should maybe also check with him why he keeps bringing his gold jewelry investments to my home. I was so frustrated with him lately but then Hyung put our pic edited by me on his wallpaper background and said he loved me during the concert^^ So I am back to normal:)) Hyung is the best! Hyung is mine*))

 

Dear diary,

I was a little alarmed when I heard my neighbors discussing a strange religious man constantly hanging around our building with boxes of food or clothes (looking like a hobo but driving sport cars). I thought about increasing security measures but then Hyung arrived:)) In the morning he said that he might have an inspiration for another painting if we repeated that kinky thing we had tried in Japan… Seems like I have to clear some space for his future masterpiece huhuhu...

P.S. A reminder to check that charity event to donate the paintings Siwon stores at my place.

 

Dear diary,

Our comeback is in full force. I asked Hyung to lose weight and get naked for the album. He said he would do everything I wanted.

P.S. I did everything I wanted to him^)))))

 

Dear diary,

I managed to use Vogue Japan as a platform for spreading the warnings to all bees around my Hyung. Now everyone knows who is the winner here lol! Yunho is mine!

 

Dear diary,

A weekly check update – no traces of Yunwon ship in the internet. Homin rules!

 

Dear diary,

Today Hyung ate strawberries from my hands (the clue word – “my”). He mentioned a peach… Seems I have to use that new cooking book to bring his horse thighs back… Because only horse thighs deserve a peach:))

P.S. Hyung’s new solo is super hot. Have to put it on a loop list at home.

 

Dear diary,

Siwon brought roses today to the agency. I was afraid he wanted to pass them to Hyung just like yesterday’s stupid-not-knowing-that-yunho-hyung-is-taken-and-marked-and-married-to-me-and-living-with-me bee but it seems he brought them for someone else. Wonder if he finally starts dating and reduces his calls and messages to me.

P.S. Have to go to the shop tomorrow to buy those curtains for our new apartment. Hyung will bring my new Legos there today.

P.S.S. I love my Yunho^)))))

 


	13. Chapter 13

  Dear diary,

I saw that Changmin posted a selca with a book – he really loves them and I was going around with a backpack filled with them hoping it would strike up a spontaneous conversation and refire our flame. It seemed such a good plan but… Yunho actually POSTED a book on his IG! Changmin spent the whole lunch discussing it with him. I was so distressed that dropped my backpack to the floor with the books falling out of it but Changmin did not even hear it sitting so close to Yunho…  Well, Yunho-shi – you posted one book! HAHAHA I will post two at once from now on! Let’s see who will win! Stay with Jesus! We are strong together!

 

  Dear diary,

I saw Changmin going to the fashion show together with Yunho today… Did you really have to match each other in clothes… Heechul sent me the video where Changmin did not let go of Yunho even while he was taking a selca with the other guy……….. Changmin…. once lost a sight of me in the crowded shopping area and went home without me… I mean – he knew I would not be lost because I am a very dependable person. Yunho is always lost somewhere. How is my angel not stressed out every time he has to stop Yunho from wandering around?  I AM better, right? Jesus, Bless!

 

  Dear diary,

I heard that Yunho went to Gwangju (to visit his family probably). I was so happy to use this opportunity to spend more quality time with Changmin but he said that he had to watch some important baseball game… Is a baseball game only 20 minutes long? I heard he went out to another fashion show right away… He could invite me… We would look so good together…

 

  Dear diary,

Yunho is really playing dirty… He posted a pic of him and Changmin from the shooting place and put a ILOVEU sticker near Changmin! Dirty move, JUNG! I mean - I could write poems and dedicate the whole account to my angel and my love to him but I know Changmin is very shy and does not like too much attention. You really do not care about his fragile soul, Jung!

P.S. Yunho was blond for shooting? Damn every color suits him! Strange that he changed it so quickly…

 

  Dear diary,

I saw Changmin posting his amazing workout routine on IG. This boy has a body of a God (Sorry and THANK YOU, Jesus!). We were messaging each other about the exercises and I sent him some of my most impressive pics after training. Next morning I saw him at the agency and he was staring at his phone and blushing so cutely – I thought he was rewatching and enjoying my pics but… he was looking at Yunho’s selcas in some kindergarten outfit… Is it not muscles? Not body? Should I try a cute concept? Where do I find horse stickers? Jesus?

 

  Dear diary,

TVXQ made a comeback and Yunho just… can’t stop talking about their song that is FATE that is THEM… What about our love and amazing two years together with Changmin? I have to go through the whole album to see if there are any songs that reflect OUR relationship.

 

  Dear diary,

I listened to the whole album and their solos… I saw the lyrics… I saw how they chose each other’s songs as favourite… I saw them signing each other’s solos… THAT is not how you enjoy a solo of your bandmate…

P.S. Should I write or perform a solo too? Jesus… Bless!

 

  Dear diary,

I saw the interview where their half-naked photo-shoot was shown… The staff asked why they did it if they always mentioned that they did not like skinship with men. Changmin said that it was because of the capitalism… hahaha…. So… they are not that close after that? I have a chance? Because we have true and pure love here blessed by Jesus!

P.S. But now I am wondering… their skinship outside the photo-shoot is not… completely different… I mean they… are usually much… worse… or is it practice for better shots? Is it really only business??? Wow they are truly hard-working people! Stay with Jesus!


	14. Chapter 14

  Dear diary,

I am so excited! We are going to go to Dubai and not only I will see Changmin but I also will take the same flight with him and will live in the same hotel with him and even maybe go to the same gym with him and sing the last song with him and… and… I am SOOO excited! We will make so many memories together! This is so thrilling that I feel like our romance can have a second start in that beautiful city. He will be water to my dessert and we will drown in the fairytale happiness. Bless you Jesus, in You I believe and follow!

 

  Dear diary,

I met Changmin at the airport lounge and we spent most of the time together. He even took a picture with me. I will print it out and frame it for him. Which frame pattern do you think he will like the most? I saw how he bought a lot of strawberries in the café (though he never eats them… maybe he adds them to some dish? He is a very talented cook after all) and several notebooks with strawberry stickers… ok – decided! I will find a frame with strawberries and gift it to him!

 

  Dear diary,

My plan almost was a success. I wanted to switch places in the plane so that Changmin would be near me. Before the boarding Yunho was distracted by Donghae (oh my lovely brother! He is so sensitive that he should have felt the pull and need for me and Changmin to stay together and tried so hard for my sake! Bless him, Jesus!). Yunho and Changmin did not even talk with each other during the lounge time but the moment they announced the boarding Changmin left my side right away… I thought it was because he wanted to go with Yunho but fortunately I was wrong – they had first class seats and they HAD to go there first. My chances are still strong though I have to search the ways to stay close to my angel during the flight. Amen!

 

  Dear diary,

When I managed to go to the first class section Changmin was absent and I asked Leeteuk where my angel could have gone but he did not want to answer for several minutes. I do not understand what was wrong with him – in the end he said that he and Yunho have gone to the toilet – what kind of secret it could be?? There is nothing embarrassing about it! I went further to check if he was already out but I did not see him or Yunho… and the second toilet was vacant… maybe he somehow went to the hoobaes while I was talking to Leeteuk?

P.S. It looked like Yunho felt sick cause I heard him groaning in the other cabin… Poor guy… must be turbulence.

 

  Dear diary,

We finally arrived at the hotel. Note to myself - I really have to talk to the management. They are able to provide first class plane tickets for my angel but can’t book him a separate room? Why does he always have to stay with Yunho? I heard them already shouting after several minutes we entered our rooms. I will pay with my own money next time for my angel not to be stressed by the pressure Yunho puts on him with his antics – in the end the most distinctive word I heard was… “hard” I think… truly Changmin deserves better! Love, Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

I took my special travelling notebook with the history and places to visit during the free time we had after landing in Dubai but Changmin said he was tired and wanted to rest.

P.S. The fight with Yunho must have tired him a lot.

 

  Dear diary,

While reading at the room I received notifications from Changmin’s IG and he… posted the pics from his walk with Minho… He said he was tired…

…

Even Minho? How many should I fight?

 

  Dear diary,

  The concert went well but I did not catch a lot of private time with Changmin. After the rehearsals started – if I came to visit Changmin Yunho was always near me and I could not even touch my angel. But that was rather a win-win situation because I managed to also keep Yunho beside me. Even during the ending of the concert I decided not to leave Yunho’s side so that he would not do anything perverted to Changmin (like shout about his feelings again… as if shouting Changmin’s name during Hope is not enough for him to embarrass my baby). Yunho had almost no time with Changmin huhuhu

P.S. On the second thought Changmin was rather not in the mood during these days. He was always staring at me and Yunho… Maybe… He saw how different we are and maybe… there is a little hope for me now? Bless, Jesus!

 

  Dear diary,

The day was dark… We went to the sight-seeing around Dubai during the last day and Changmin did not leave Yunho’s side even for a second… and when I tried to approach them he quickly grasped Yunho’s arm and dragged him to the other place… His eyes were rather… frightening… Did I do something wrong?

 

  Dear diary,

I tried to reconcile with Changmin and brought a strawberry frame for him. He was so happy… and then he said that it would be perfect for the pic he and Yunho took during Burj Khalifa… He still loves only him… Jesus?


	15. Chapter 15

   Dear diary,

Yunho plays dirty again – he posted a pic of him and Changmin on his IG and put an “ILY” sticker near my angel… Changmin was really frustrated and angry at him – I saw how he was scolding Yunho for this… but… if he did not like it that much – why there is a small printed version of this pic in his wallet? Is it stickers? If he likes them… why he doesn’t use mine? I ordered a special addition of our photos together where you can stick them to the things you want but… I never saw him using it… When I asked he said he did not remember where they were… Jesus?

 

   Dear diary,

I suggested to Changmin going to the park today but he said he was going on vacation?? I checked with the agency about the possibility to have a vacation during such a busy schedule but they said Changmin and Yunho flew to shoot Jeju air promotions. But this is work… Isn’t it? Then why was he so excited? He is always strange when we are talking about Jeju… what happened at Jeju? Should I go to Jeju? Jeju? Jesus?

 

   Dear diary,

I sinned… But I have to use such barbaric methods in the situation when emergencies happen. I went to a… shaman today to check my compatibility with Changmin (Jesus, please forgive me as we are all weak). The shaman said to bring several photos with different people for comparing the depth of our bonds. I took the photos of me, Kyuhyun (obviously it will be the starting point) and… Yunho (I had to take this one with me too because… I just had to). The shaman started a ritual and after some time put our selca with Changmin in front of the fire – after some prayer the fire got bigger and the shaman said that we had a good aura together. Then he changed our pic to the selca of Changmin and Kyuhyun and the fire… became much more intense! (That is when I started to doubt the credibility of this method… I mean me against Kyuhyun? Obviously I win) But then… he changed it to the selca of Yunho and Changmin and… the fire… kind of… blew up and went up to the roof… The shaman said he had not seen anything similar before and asked me to pass the couple his thousands words of happiness… THEY ARE NOT A COUPLE! I knew it! These barbaric methods are totally not working! That fire was a sign for me from Jesus not to stop believing in Him and continue the path of my pure love! And I will do just that! Amen!

 

   Dear diary,

Yunho left for Scotland and fortunately I will be able to spend a lot of time with my Changmin. This distance can finally help me to remove the blind infatuation that Yunho put on him. I will work hard! Bless, Jesus!

 

   Dear diary,

Changmin did not answer my calls and messages. I thought he changed his phone and forgot to tell me but Donghae called him right away and it connected… Maybe my phone is faulty? I have to check with the technical service.

P.S. Eunhyuk said that I was even dumber than Donghae… Donghae agreed… Am I missing something?

 

   Dear diary,

Changmin said he wanted to stay home for the time he did not have work. I know the baby is tired and does not like to go out very often but he knows I am ready to come to his flat any time, right? Should I mention my unwavering support? Should I come just like that? Is it a hidden invitation for me to stay over?

 

   Dear diary,

I came to Changmin’s apartment but he was not home. I saw on IG that he went to the café… in that rainy weather? What about staying at home and hating crowds? And my cakes for him?

P.S. The security looks strange at me every time I come to Changmin’s house. One day I heard how they said that I could not beat Yunho even if I tried for 100 years… First of all – their attempts to compare Super Junior and TVXQ are really not fair. We are different in many approaches and have rather different styles and combination of the groups. Considering they are our sunbaes that worked hard just as us – people should respect both – them and my brothers… Should I talk with them next time on the progression of Hallyu wave? I have to borrow some booklets from church too to spread love and compassion.

 

   Dear diary,

I could not meet Changmin at all during these days. He was always busy or absent… I got some tickets for Cho Yongpil sunbae concert but he said he would not be able to attend it either. I gave the tickets to Jungmo… I would spend the evening rearranging our pic folders with Changmin.  

 

   Dear diary,

I saw it right away… the pictures from the concert… Changmin went with Jungmo… Did his plans change? Why didn’t he call? Is my phone still faulty? But… did he really have to write about Yunho in the caption? He wrote he wanted Yunho to be there… I checked… Changmin actually liked all pics of Yunho on IG while he was away. He never does that! He likes only my pictures… He did not see Yunho for several days… and we did not meet for several weeks! Doesn’t he miss me? Should I go to Scotland too for him to message me? Jesus?


	16. Chapter 16

Dear diary,

Yunho returns from Scotland today and this morning was the only opportunity for me to try to spend time with my angel. I talked with Changmin on the phone and he sounded very restless. I decided to drop by his apartment to give him some dishes from his favourite restaurant. The security said he was not at home and I left the package there - lovingly wrapped in the special gift paper. I designed the pattern myself – a deer and a horse bending to each other and creating a heart! Isn’t it cute? He would totally love it!

P.S. I saw a strange man entering the building. He was wearing some kind of a checkered skirt…  Changmin really has to consider moving into my complex.

 

Dear diary,

I went to Changmin’s apartment again in the evening. My baby is so sweet… I think he was embarrassed that he made me worry and asked me to leave because I should have been tired. Can you feel his love for me, Jesus? It is still there – I am sure! (^^) I heard some crash on the line and he said that he was in the middle of exercising. I suggested my humble company but he answered that he already had it. Strange… I thought his trainer left for vacation…

 

Dear diary,

Changmin said that they were going to Hokkaido to shoot their new MV. I asked about the concept and my cutiepie was so excited – he said it was about hope and love and that the plot resembles his love life a lot… This angel! Is he commemorating our sweet time together? Our love is not that simple to move on, right my dearest Shim? Bless this day, Jesus!

P.S. Should I suggest my acting services to him? I think Yunho would make a decent second lead.

 

Dear diary,

The schedule is against us… My baby is going to Italy… But though I will miss him – I am still touched. He chose that location keeping in mind our chance meeting at the airport and a wonderful trip back!  Maybe the flood of memories will open to him my gentle and caring side and he will call me (finally). ~~(Please?)~~

Dear diary,

Changmin is posting a lot on his IG and I am blessed to get at least some updates on him (somehow his phone is out of reach again … I should change my telephone company – their coverage is so ridiculous!!!). My prince looks so handsome in everything he wears – I am so lucky to have him so close in my life. And also… Yunho is soooo going to regret not cherishing Changmin enough! He is totally ignoring him online! But me!!! I will post comments and like his every pic with all my strength! I put notifications on his account and yesterday I had a personal record of being able to send a message only after one minute after his posting huhuhu. My angel will see who REALLY cares about him! Fighting, Jesus!!!

P.S. I think I should use more emojis… really peculiar ones… so that he will be surprised and entertained every time he sees my name! I will win this battle!

 

Dear diary,

Today I received a really strange pic from Yunho… He sent me a photo of Changmin in a jacket from Hermes. He put so many exclamation marks near Hermes… Do I need to buy this brand now? Is it the trend? Oh maybe Changmin likes it?  I am puzzled… Jesus?

 

Dear diary,

Changmin is busy and not answering my calls. When I accidently slipped about it to Heechul – he said that Yunho is chatting with Changmin without any problems… This hyung… Aigoo… Of course they talk a lot – they have work to do and a tour to plan. Your work phone can’t stop working in a midst of it… Poor hyung…

P.S. Hyung slapped me on the cheek after this conversation. He said that he read it in the Bible… I am SO EMOTINAL. He is finally giving in to my attempts to convert him. I turned him another cheek for a second slap to edify his newborn faith but he left… he didn’t read that part till the end it seems… Stay with Jesus!

 

Dear diary,

Am I losing Changmin again? Do my comments with cute carrots, flowers and animals not work at all?... Changmin posted that he missed Yunho and wanted to visit this place again with him………… WHAT DOES YUHNO HAVE THAT I DON’T? WHAT IS HIS WEAPON?.......... Does he have special emojis? Better than mine? Specially made???? Should I buy a Web-Design company for them to produce me a special set? Jesus?? Bless??

 

Dear diary,

Yunho was so weird today at the agency. He dropped so many things when we encountered each other in the corridor (too many times today…). At first it was a strange keychain in a form of a deer, then some strange black rings, then some strange silver bracelet, then a bunch of postcards with Italian landscapes… He is really clumsy… or tired... comebacks are hard. We should pray to Jesus together!

 

Dear diary,

Changmin finally flew back from Italy but I could not catch him. He messaged me that he wanted to spend some time with his family. Siwonie understands, my angel^^

P.S. Heechul sent me the pics of Yunho in the wine cellar… drinking alone? Really, Yunho? Changmin will be so furious knowing that you didn’t take him there. Yunho’s affections are in danger huhuhu

P.S.S. Heechul said I am stupid. This hyung… and I am praying for his soul every night…

 

Dear diary,

I think I got what Heechul meant that day!!!! Yunho is going to buy a whole wine cellar for Changmin’s attention! Wow this passion Mansour indeed! His fire surely cannot be rivaled but… there has to be something that could beat him… a wine… factory… A WINERY!!!! Perfect! Siwon, you are a genius!

P.S. Father called and asked me to spend this weekend worshiping Jesus together and try to come to my senses…

 

Dear diary,

At the agency I saw Changmin. He was gloomy while staring at the pics of Yunho participating in some coffee event. I tried to cheer him up by saying that I would always prioritize him and would spend my every day with him instead of going to a friend’s gathering but Changmin shouted that this was a charity event and Yunho was beautiful and cute and gentle and I can’t say anything bad about him because Yunho is one in a billion… But… I also do charity… He left so quickly that I could not even show him the pics from my events… Should I send him my speeches and presentations? Love is so complicated, Jesus!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will appreciate anything word-resembled in return while i am struggling through yunho's special chapter^^   
> xoxo  
> thank you for reading and waiting - y'all are so great!!!!


	17. A special chapter - Yunho's diary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The muse for this piece finally graced me (i didn't even dare to hope for that).  
> A lot of people asked for it for a long time -thank you for waiting and passionately nudging me. ILY.  
> please enjoy this special chapter from the POV that i have become fascinated with haha Yunho is really something - his randomness even created a chapter 3k long lmao
> 
> also just a small note - "-shi" is a honorific to express respect in korean.

Dear diary,

This tour is hard but Changminnie takes care of me all the time. He even started to slip those stickers from early days to remind me to eat and take vitamins. I love him. My Changminnie is the sweetest angel in this world.

P.S. I adore how his ears become red so quickly when I say this to him. I secretly hope this does not change ever. As long as my Changminnie is red – I know his heart is one with me))

 

Dear diary,

The sky was so clear today!! I love the freshness of the air. Sent the picture to Changdollie^^

 

Dear diary,

Changminah was nagging me while collecting my stuff toys from the living room. He said I should not leave them around or my guests would not be able to walk properly at my apartment… But he can’t trick me! I saw how he gently put them together and while he thought I was not looking – he asked them to take care of me when he was not around. Changdollie is so kind and soft)) I love him!

 

Dear diary,

Chami said that he would enlist earlier for us to return together… How did I even deserve this? I love him so much!  No matter how much I tried to persuade him to wait and try solo – he never listened. I remember one evening he showed me the presentation on how great it would be to return to the stage together and promote together and travel together and live together again… My Changminnie is so clever and loving and emotional! I am so blessed to love him and have him by my side!

P.S. Diary-shi… I want to confess… I am a selfish person after all… I knew the reasons for him to stay were sound and logical and really tried to make him see that but… every time he stopped me and shouted at me for even bringing this up I was… so… happy…. Kyaaa! I am selfish I know but… I really want to be with him as soon as possible because together with him I feel complete and not afraid of anything that will be in our way in the future.

 

Dear diary,

As I’ve always known – strawberry ice cream is the best!

 

Dear diary,

Deer are so cute^^ I bought a keychain today!

P.S. and a kitten keychain for Changminah^^ he was happy and said I chose right. But what else could I choose?^^

 

Dear diary,

Today we…….

 

Dear diary,

I am so so so sorry, my little diary-shi, I fell asleep yesterday. But I will share the news with you now properly! My Changminnie passed a very hard exam and is enlisting in the police! He will look so good in the uniform – I can’t wait to see and touch. I was worried for him at first but it turns out that Siwonie is also going with him – even on the same date! I asked my religious dongsaeng to take care and look after my Changdollah. He agreed (though was silent for a second). Now I am relieved to enter the duty. I promise I will put my heart to show the best parts of me and become a better person. I hope we will do our military services with honor and grow even more to reunite in two years stronger as ever! Fighting!!!

 

Dear diary,

Yesterday Heechul sent me the video of Changminnie performing at SMTOWN Tokyo. My little deer is so romantic wearing my jacket and kissing my ring!!!! The guys from my unit repeat that I am a lucky man hahaha of course they will say it after everything I told them about my Changdollie^^ My unit truly consists of amazing people! I try to support them with all my might.

 

Dear diary,

I try to meet Changminnie almost every break and these days are the happiest of my life. We agreed to stay low and not to draw attention to focus on ourselves fully. Yesterday though… one Dispatch reporter-shi caught us in the park but after I politely explained to him our wish on privacy and asked to delete the photos he did it  quickly (I admire him though for staying so late in the evening – he should have been so cold – his face was so red when I spoke with him). People are so nice in that agency when I encounter them))

P.S. Changdollah says I am too kind for this world but I proved him wrong tonight by making him go crazy huhuhu.

 

Dear diary,

I saw some pics of Kyuhyun and Changminnie on the internet stating that they are closer to each other than we are. ARE THEY BLIND OR WHAT? Though we are quite silent on that matter - Changdollah does so much for my sake! He puts me first even when the situation is about him! Kyuhyun is second to all Changminnie’s choices! Chami loves ME the most! He tells me that every day! Changminnie is mine!

 

Dear diary,

Siwonie stopped sending me the messages and updates on Changminnie… Maybe he is still trying to get accustomed to army life? Well at least I have Donghae not to miss any Changminnie’s achievements. My perfect dongsaeng – FIGTING!

 

Dear diary,

Siwonie finally emerged from his withdrawal from the silent mode – I am happy for him but he is strange. He sent me several links on the articles where he and Changminnie were having a break together. I am happy to know Changdollah enjoys his free time. It seems he made more friends and finally lets his social circle grow but… Siwonie could actually call or write a message himself as before… Anyway I am glad they have each other to lean on.

 

Dear diary,

I talked with Changdollie today and he says that Siwonie spends almost all the time with him – he does not let him breathe alone even for a second… Now that he complained… I also noticed that he is always around when I meet up with Changminah… I thought he was just going somewhere further after that but it seems everything is much more complicated. I have to talk with him about this behavior – I asked him to take care of Changminnie but it looks like Siwonie is going overboard.

 

Dear diary,

SIWON is far too gone! How he dares to touch and have those naughty dreamy eyes while looking at MY Changdollah!!! I understand that Changminnie is so perfect that anyone can lose the head BUT Siwon has to remember that there is only one and true hyung in Changdollah’s life!!! And that is ME!!! I will show him!

P.S. Oh no… did it begin earlier? How did I not notice? Is that why Siwon went to police also? Come to think… he always was near us in the past… was he plotting this even during that time? Getting to know Changminnie’s likes and habits to please him?? There are so many rivals – and my pure deer is so soft with people! I have to be on guard! Fighting! Let’s prove that there is no one like you, Yunho!

 

Dear diary,

I….. hate it! I REALLY HATE IT when Changminnie talks about Siwon!!!! He totally sees me being annoyed and he does not even stop!!! This little brat!!! He knows me through and through and surely makes me fired up on purpose!!! I am usually calming down quickly but… Siwon is really… JUST MENTIONING HIS NAME MAKES ME SO ODDLY PISSED!!!

P.S. well Changminnie better stop complaining cause he is himself guilty for all those marks I leave on him after our meetings. That fake-horse will surely notice that Changminnie is taken and back off finally.

 

Dear diary,

This is becoming ridiculous! Siwon is always following us during the breaks. Even our hot date at SMU café did not enlighten him in any way? Really? We screamed loud enough… Or should I try harder next time?

 

Dear diary,

Changminnie talked about Siwon again – I bought him a lot of beer and ordered those special Lego packs he wanted for so long to refocus his attention… but then… I saw that… Minah’s little smile – he played me and got what he wanted! But what… can I do really? There is no way to resist him. Hahaha Changminnie is so cute^^ and truly… I can’t complain about the sensual part that followed huhuhu His abs are becoming even more tasty after the army training^^

P.S. On a second thought… I should visit Changminnie’s quarters and ask them to somehow detain Siwon’s leaves for a while. They like me – it should be a success^^

 

Dear diary,

Today I bought a lot of Changminnie’s favourite bread for our meeting. My baby loves to eat but I know that more than eating itself he loves to eat from me. I let him experiment with all kind of flavours.

P.S. I am not sure I will glance upon bagels the same innocent way as before.

 

Dear diary,

Today while training outside it rained a little but then a sudden ray of the sun struggled through the clouds that were so painfully dark! It reminded me of our unplanned hiatus in the past and how Changminnie and I became that light for each other. I am so grateful we’ve made it this far and we are surely not stopping!

 

Dear diary,

Today was my sister’s wedding. She looked so beautiful and happy. I was so nervious today but then Changminnie came and I felt that finally my whole family is ready to celebrate the most important day of her life. And though Siwon came too I was not very worried because my parents took perfect care of Changdollah while I was not near. We took so many pics – I will have to frame them later. It was truly the best family celebration! Hope ours will be filled with the same amount of smiles and memories!

P.S. I still stole Chami for a minute to leave some marks on him just as a reminder for that fakey-abs.

 

Dear diary,

My discharge finally came. I was suggested a place at the army and I seriously thought it was a good idea while I still have some time until Changdollah discharges. The eyes of everyone at the agency… you have to see that hahaha. Never have I seen them so hysterical! Huhuhu! I declined it in the end. I have to prepare for Changminnie’s return. These two years were really rewarding and freeing in a sense. We were so alarmed with the future before but now… after we met so many times without any cameras and got to spend so much time as civilians… I understand that we will manage and achieve our dreams if our hearts are still beating and passionate as 5, 10, 15 years ago. Changminnie agreed with me (don’t tell anyone, diary-shi, but we almost cried while discussing that hahaha). We will surely become better people. We will always try with our sincere hearts!

 

Dear diary,

Today we officially reunited for the press conference as TVXQ. We talked a lot about each other and everyone praised us for our more relaxed manner. Changdollah was so loud and clear about where his affections lie – I hope that church boy heard him. If not I will ask Heechul to show him the video and fanart.

 

Dear diary,

We finally visited our Japanese home today. Though it was a brief stay we spent it so nicely – we discussed several concepts, then Changdollah cooked ramen, then we watched our favourite episodes of One Piece and good half into the night we spent gazing at the stars lying together. My heart is full.

 

Dear diary,

I managed to surprise my Ace with my costume at SM Halloween party. He couldn’t take his eyes off me huhuhu. I could feel it for all those long hours. Then I felt it for real at home. A day to remember!

 

Dear diary,

Today we were almost busted. Changminnie came to my parking lot tonight. When he asked what took me so long to meet him and I just answered that I thanked the trees near my house for providing fresh air for us – he jumped me with a kiss right there! It was so sudden! I can’t imagine what made him do that. He is usually so composed when we are outside. Thankfully no one saw us.

 

Dear diary,

I really can’t stop drinking banana milk. Would you like it too? If you had a chance, diary-shi?

 

Dear diary,

Siwon is always calling and messaging Changminnie. This has gone sooo far – I don’t even have any words to describe it properly! Should I send him my thesis on Homin-the-best-couple-of-this-millennium with gift stickers and merchandise as well as those links to the fluffiest and hottest fics I have read lately for him to finally understand that HE DOES NOT EVEN STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME? Bring it on, church boy! Let’s see who the Passion Mansour is here! YES!!!!

P.S. I have to go. Sorry, diary-shi! Changdollah says I am screaming too much for the wrong reasons right now.

 

Dear diary,

Today was our first concert after the discharge. As usual we gave it all and the fans were so warm! We commemorated our love today as well – this time writing the letters to each other. I love my Changminnie so much! ~~(Siwon can go and pray for all he wants!)~~

 

Dear diary,

I learned a trick! When I pout – Changdollah can’t resist me! When he thinks I am sad – he will outdo himself trying to make me smile! Isn’t he the cutest?

P.S. I used this forbidden-for-other-mortals technique  and got myself all skinship in Vogue Japan, Chami always wearing our engagement bracelet and a mind-blowing night yesterday huhuhu.

 

Dear diary,

We went to a fashion show together today. Siwon texted me inquiring about Changminnie’s whereabouts – I was so right changing Chami’s phone number! I tried to hide his message but in the end I had to tell the truth when Changdollah pressed me with his interrogation super powers…

P.S. He did not let go of my hand for the whole event even when I took selfies with other people…He was irritated – I could clearly see his eyes… but it could not be because of Siwon’s absence, right?

 

Dear diary,

Changminnie allowed me to finally post our selca from the set on IG! I put my favourite sticker ILY near him for the whole world (and all churches) to see our love!!!

P.S. Changminah scolded me again and banned me from using my account without him for a while –no likes, no comments…. Not like I use them anyway… but our selcas deserve some light from the piles of archives at our home((((

P.S.S. He also banned me from blond hair… Why? He loved it. So. Many. Times!

 

Dear diary,

We caught some time alone at Japan after filming. I blocked all incoming calls and we blessed most of the surfaces in the living room))) Later Siwon Skyped Changminnie again but I took immense effort to stay topless in the video frame all the time for him to finally get it! Chami is MINE!

 

Dear diary,

We started filming 72 hours. Children are so cute though unexpectedly exhausting. But I still love them and will put all my heart to be of any help to the staff.

P.S. I have to try to talk to Changminnie about it again. Maybe he will be distracted by my outfit this time and will agree to future adoptions^^

 

Dear diary,

I HAVE TO BAN Changdollah from wearing a chef’s outfit after the recording ends. It’s unhealthy for those around him – they look so… hungry looking at him… Changminnie is a pure soul! – I have to block all those perverts! Changminnie is mine!!!

 

Dear diary,

We attended SMTOWN Dubai. It was our first time and we did our best. I am so proud of all my hoobaes – they are improving so much with every performance. I am also happy that they are eager to listen to my advices))

P.S. I still spent quite a lot of time blocking Siwon from my Changminnie. But I should say… this time it was quite easy at the end. Maybe Siwon saw the uselessness of his attempts?

P.S.S. Changdollah was furious that I spent most of the time with Siwon and not him (though I can’t complain – I love this passionate Changmin! Only for my eyes to see all this fire and strength. No one knows this Chami but me!) He doesn’t understand that I am doing it for him. But it’s better not to shock him with this revelation – his gentle heart will be kind to Siwon and this will make things more complicated as that church boy will never leave our side if we continue to be soft with him.

 

Dear diary,

I went to Changminnie’s apartment today and finally managed to properly greet the security and the staff there. These people are so nice! They even report to me about the times Siwon comes to visit and sometimes even block him if I ask. Our team work is amazing! We have to protect our dear pure handsome charming gentle loving kind passionate sensible wise funny talented Changminnie from any dangers of this world. Team Chami – FIGHTING!

P.S. Our anniversary is coming soon and we have to hold our special perfect ~~ceremony~~ concert again. Maybe this year we will be able to trick our company for another ~~honeymoon~~ photoshoot? huhuhu

 

Dear diary,

Today is a new day and it means it’s a great one because I have my Changminnie, my music and all those who support us in any way!

P.S. Thank you, diary-shi! Your pages will soon end but don’t worry – I will buy a friend for you^^ I have to go! Changminnie is calling^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i appreciate all the comments even the smallest ones. please life-support me because after this i am moving to a christmas homin challenge hdhdodjdh  
> luck, muse, sanity, daily slaps... i will need everything.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little explanation:  
> Mating also means joining of two space vehicles.  
> take note *wink wink*

Dear diary,

I really loved Mirotic song before but now… How can Yunho do this to me? Why does he shout Changmin’s name and change the official lyrics? Is this his heart screaming? Claiming my angel so loudly in front of everyone? I can’t understand how this was allowed… I checked with the agency and they said I can’t add Changmin’s name to Super Junior’s songs… Maybe I should write my own? Jesus, I need your light to guide me to the right words!

 

Dear diary,

My operation to make Changmin notice me through IG comments is entering the third phase. As my direct messages are somehow blocked (my lawyer is digging Instagram company for this bug) my comments are my safe heaven for now. I read a lot of books on psychology and social interaction to improve my chances to catch my Changmin’s attention for more than two seconds. In the recent chapter it was recommended to leave an open sentence – in such a way inviting the other person to answer it – so that you will continuously interact. Changmin posted a morning pic of him exercising and I decided to post a verse from the song to let him to start any theme he would love to discuss… He answered with only one emoji again… Should I move to the books Heechul gave me? Something about “the art of mating”… But how will the book on astronautics help me with my relationship?

 

Dear diary,

I ordered a special set of baking cases in the form of a deer. I spent the whole night cooking for Changmin but when I gave it to him at the agency he did not even try to eat anything – he started to ask me where he could buy the same in the form of a kitten or a tiger… Is this his new favourite animal? Silly me – people’s tastes change with time. I have to redo that right next time. Bless my flour, Jesus!

 

Dear diary,

I brought tiger cookie today to Changmin’s practice room. He behaved in such a strange way – stared at the bag for quite a long time and then quickly hid it behind the trash bin when Yunho entered. Maybe my angel is on a diet? I should have checked with the manager before. My poor hard-working bambi!

P.S. I saw Yunho on a lunch break eating kitten cookies from Changmin’s hands… So only Changmin is on a diet… So sad.

 

Dear diary,

THIS DAY DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED IN THE FUTURE! Oh, Jesus! I can’t believe it! I posted a video of me and a horse running for comparison (for one passionate person in particular) and my angel commented!!! Such a long sentence! I could not even dream! He said he watched the video for 3 minutes! He noticed me!!! Our relationship is stronger with every day! Stay with Jesus!

P.S. So Changmin loves animals’ comparison? Should I search my faithful fandom for more inspiration? Another animal? The one that will make Changmin send me a direct message?

P.S.S. I think about blocking one user ‘Full_lips_are_mine_86’. He is always posting “fake horse” under my work-out pics… maybe he does not know that I am a singer and not a horse-breeder?

 

Dear diary,

I saw Changmin attending a wedding together with Yunho. Actually it turns out that they go to weddings a lot together… I said to my angel that he could ask me to be his “plus one” next time if he wanted someone to take a video or pics of him singing but he refused… Changmin says that he does not usually _just sing_ during these events, that the atmosphere contributes to renewing cherished vows, that being one is usually the strongest during these days… after that he kissed his bracelet smiling gently… … … … … …

P.S. … … … … Jesus?

 

Dear diary,

I met Changmin during the lunch at the agency and praised him for his beautiful pic on IG about coffee and HEAVEN. Before my angel could answer Yunho interrupted us by saying that only black coffee nowadays and forever could bring Changmin to heaven and make him scream with satisfaction. My bambi should have been outraged by this drink choice because he choked on his food. I tried to save the situation by recalling Changmin’s amazing performance of _Heaven’s day_ and Changmin said it was all thanks to the never-ending practice. Yunho choking on his drink was so rude at that moment! He does not respect Changmin’s hard work and dedication??? Will my angel see how I care about him more? I will pray tonight for his passion to perfect himself to never stop.

P.S. A reminder to try to find out Changmin’s favourite brand for black coffee. Yunho’s slips are my wins in the end! Fighting!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are love^^  
> thank you for reading))))


	19. Chapter 19

Dear diary,

Yunho is sly. I’ve tried to dig some dirt on him but this man is really careful. I can understand him… He spends almost all the time with Changmin – so he has to behave himself and focus on his innocent façade which fools my angel so much. Yunho does not let his focus slip even for a second near my baby – always careful, gentle, listening and making him laugh… What a pretense! I can see his eyes burn with dark thoughts that would have led him to darker places in the older times! He is like a lord vampire – ready to compel my bambi and trap him in his unchaste trap. I need to resort to the urgent measures! And this means to catch Yunho off guard when Changmin is not around… and the perfect chance is his new show Dunia. They are going oversees to shoot and will spend quite a lot of time in exhausting conditions – here I will bust him! All people snap and let their mask fall when the loved ones are not near and they are tired. DECIDED! I will befriend the Dunia team and they will become my little vestal birds – bringing justice to this world and letting two pure hearts finally meet! Fighting, Jesus!

 

Dear diary,

I met with most of the cast today one by one but… they only praised Yunho and talked about his passion and hard work and support… DinDin almost fought me when I suggested that Yunho might have impure thoughts… He sat me for an essay of Yunho’s best traits and perfection and how he was going to win this hyung in the future.... This guy is crazy delusional! How can he be so blindly in love? I mean there are still some boundaries, right? But he went on and on about how Yunho looked at him in the morning or hugged him much tighter than others or spent private time only with him– how he found his one and only hyung… Truly a strange kid. All those actions do not mean anything but he is ready to twist their meaning! Thank you, Jesus, that you keep me from going overboard in my own relationship! I will put a candle for your constant guidance of me during this weekend. Amen!

 

Dear diary,

I tried to comfort Changmin when I saw how Yunho absent-mindedly posted a selca with DinDin on his IG (So there are days when Passion Mansour is careless huhuhu). I declared my unwavering support for my angel and how I would follow him to the end of the world spoiling him with gifts – I even recited an acronym poem on our names together (*see below)… but he seemed not to hear me – muttering something about many little bees having an access to the innocent kitten’s phone and using it for their own selfish purposes… First of all – how can bees use kitten’s phones if they are not friends but different species? Second – I only heard about a dog playing a piano and an elephant drawing the landscapes. If there are now kittens with the phone I would love to see these cute videos (a reminder to search YT). Third - …. Changmin again left me alone in the dining room wiping his spilled coffee with the napkin on which my poem was.

P.S. My beautiful acronym masterpiece:

 **W** ith my love  
**O** nly Jesus might compare.  
**N** ight and day  
**M** issing you  
**I** dream about our  
**N** ew life together.

 

Dear diary,

I am thrilled! We are going to SM Tokyo tomorrow! Lately this is the only place I can freely see Changmin from afar. I am sure he would be excited to meet me at the airport and spend more quality time together. I prepared a set of couple neck pillows for us. I even sprayed Changmin’s pillow with my perfume. I read that if you smell something for a long time you will start to recognize and react to this scent subconsciously – which in turn can lead to the development of attachment. Isn’t it amazing, Jesus?

P.S. Heechul says that before my perfume can actually work I have to disinfect Changmin from his sensei’s thick smell… Is Changmin studying again? His professor should be an old man if it sticks to Changmin’s baby skin. Poor angel! But he is so smart! I am so lucky)))

 

Dear diary,

I could not be alone with Changmin for several days after our arrival in Japan. Thankfully my beautiful Heechul-hyung noticed my need to spend some time with my angel and stole Yunho away for several hours (Bless him, Jesus! I have to vote him as a model for our church loyalty booklets). We were preparing for a concert and I tried to take as many pictures as I could with my bambi.  

P.S. I have a lot of things to do after I return – clear the space for the pictures on the wall, buy the frames, write down the dates, put the ID numbers of every picture into the catalog, photoshop the pics so that Changmin would be closer to me (he was unusually shy this time – [not even taking out his hands from the pockets](https://www.google.ru/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Ftvxqexpress.files.wordpress.com%2F2018%2F07%2Fa3513-37817651_693013297708763_2384399554490400768_n.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Ftvxqexpress.com%2F2018%2F07%2F29%2Finstagram-tw-180728-the-715-police-unit-reunion-at-smtown-live-2018-in-osaka-kyocera-dome-changmin-leaves-a-comment%2F&docid=H2Go6CRKujko-M&tbnid=sWJgl9Majs6NIM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwi98Z_IpOveAhVBtosKHT_-CAwQMwg_KAIwAg..i&w=960&h=640&bih=626&biw=1366&q=siwon%20donghae%20changmin%20smtown%20osaka&ved=0ahUKEwi98Z_IpOveAhVBtosKHT_-CAwQMwg_KAIwAg&iact=mrc&uact=8) to hug me), crop Donghae so that my angel would [give bunny ears ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DjaFHoNUcAEIF6m.jpg)to me instead of him... OH! And [that hug with Minho](https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl3XCq0gCt1/)! I have to put myself on another Changmin’s side (I thought about changing Minho for myself but that hug is so tight – I still do not have enough experience with this program to make it work in these conditions hahaha but I am learning, Jesus!)

 

Dear diary,

I am puzzled… Yunho said that he finally came with his partner to SMTOWN during the introduction and Changmin was confirming that the partner was him every time… Isn’t it a sign? That they are not too close? Partner is a word used for business, right? Is Changmin trying to put some distance between them? Did they fight?

P.S. When I asked Changmin if they considered each other at least friends he answered that they stopped being friends long time ago… I am puzzled… what are they then, Jesus?

 

Dear diary,

I know that Yunho usually shouts out something to Changmin while my angel hits that high note in Hope perfectly. I practiced my cheer for him all these days to outdo Yunho this time and make Changmin meet my eyes and see my love……. But unfortunately when I was about to bring this magic moment to life BoA bumped against me and I lost the timing… So sad… I tried not to look disheartened because BoA was smiling so much at me. She was really cheerful at that moment – even high-fived Heechul right away. I tried to support the team spirit and high-five them in return but they ran away to Yunho.

 

Dear diary,

I could not sleep this night and went to the hotel club lounge to get some drinks. When I was about to leave I heard Yunho and Changmin talking about S and M on the second floor… Are they thinking about getting positions at our company? Are we rebranding to separate letters instead of SM ent.? Do they need to whisper about it? Why don’t they rest when they are clearly tired while pressing into the wall like that?  

 

Dear diary,

Changmin and Yunho were arguing the whole night again (it was surely the continuation of their talk about S and M stocks). I thought they would get up only by breakfast time but Donghae texted me that Yunho was with him at the gym. I rushed right there to be able to display my new-acquired muscles and to show Yunho the result of my endless hours of diligent work out but… *teardrops* [I saw his arms](https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl2gyuhhfH_/)… no… his ARMS… Jesus? Why? How? Is he hiding them during daytime? How is it possible? I mean… he always wears shirts… how could I possibly imagine… THIS? Changmin… you are in danger! If this man gets his hands on you, oh my angel, you will break. My poor pure Changmin. You do not even suspect anything! Oh Jesus, please let my angel to have enough strength to turn the tables if the dark times come. Amen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are my food and air. thank you for reading))


	20. A special thanks chapter - Heechul's diary pt1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised my humble thanks for this child reaching 2000 hits in a symbolic 20th chapter))) This is truly unbelievable and i can't express in words how thankful i am to all of you. I always feel incredibly happy when I see you mentioning this work and tagging me in the posts connected to this universe (it kinda becomes bigger hahhaha).
> 
> Heechul is a savage and unpredictable (sometimes soft) character as it turned out. I struggled about the period to start describing and in the end decided on the beginning of everything. It is slightly a homin timeline story)) I felt it would be cute to show all stages of the madness that goes around Heechul as he is the only "sane" character here and all others from before were oblivious at least to something (Yunho to Siwon, Changmin to Siwon, Siwon to... everyone lol). So Heechul is like a voice of truth here.  
> This is the first part of his diary that covers the period from the trainee days up to the moment Siwon switches to Changmin. The second part will purely consist of his Changdollah adoration.  
> I hope you are not against going through homin beginnings and Yunho's episode in Siwon's love life hahah.  
> Please enjoy)))

Dear diary,

I thought that trainee Jung Yunho is just showing off but he is really a sweet and unique guy. I have never encountered anyone as passionate and set on the dream as him. He is going through so many hardships but is still able to forgive, listen and help you – but moreover he is so cute (especially when you tease him). I will take care of him and Donghae from now on.

P.S. maybe this idol life is not as bad as it seemed…  Aish! Yunho really infects everyone around with his enthusiasm… but still… let’s work hard.

 

Dear diary,

All my experiments state the sad truth –Yunhoya is the most oblivious person in this universe. But this leads us to the most interesting possibilities huhuhu. I am going to see how quickly the rumour about his new girlfriend (me) is going to spread. I already chose the best outfits and took several bags from my sister to make this plan a success.

 

Dear diary,

Yunhoya said that his girlfriend broke up with him because she had seen us at the café and thought I was a girl (well I surely made everything very obvious for her – plus not like she cared for him that much in the end – and my Yundola deserves only the best!) But Yunho still cannot notice that I specifically wear my best outfits for our meetings Lol. He is so fun to tease. Such a pure and accepting soul!

 

Dear diary,

A new trainee came today – Changmin as far as I remember – and this was the first time I saw Yunho actually snap at someone without a reason. Well… I understand why he did it – and even if I didn’t he spent three hours explaining to me how he regretted projecting his worries on an innocent person and how now he felt really embarrassed and didn’t know how to fix it with that newbie. Oh you sweet soul!

 

Dear diary,

Ok that is really awesome hahaha. That newbie is now avoiding Yunho at every possible situation. Yunho is perplexed – I advised him to just forget about it for a while and focus on our possible group debut.

P.S. What Yunhoya does not see though is how little Changminnie’s eyes changed from “I’ll show you! You arrogant snob!” to “I worship the ground you are walking on” hahaha. It is so hilarious to see how this newbie is following Yundola around when he thinks no one can see him – just like many other star-struck victims but… this one is quite a successful ninja compared to others. (And I have to acknowledge – the kid is good. He stays for so long on additional practice and lessons. I think he is going to win the Best Newcomer award this year. Oh… What these bewitched kids do to make Yundola notice them! Hahaha but the funniest thing with Changmin is that he is the only one Yunho actually treats cold! I love this! I hope they will have a collaboration just to see how the flames are going to burn everything down hahaha)

 

Dear diary,

Am I God? My predictions were right but now it is even more hilarious! Yundola and Changmin are… dum dum dum IN THE SAME GROUP!!! HAHAHA LMAO!!! I even do not regret that Four Season disbanded (we would disband in the end – I am no leader in here). Yunhoya finally made up with the kid but it became much worse. He thinks our little Changminnie is cute and innocent. B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T!!!! I mean – of course this kid is still… a kid but is Yunho blind? doesn’t he see his maknae’s eyes? This kid can kill you with just a glance if you trespass his territory and this territory is clearly Yunho from long time ago. His skills in averting possible suitors from getting close to Yunho are actually superb. This drama I surely love…. Changminnie’s glares together with Yunho’s protective side of his precious maknae are like a glass of the best champagne with strawberries. Triggering them is my new hobby now. LoL. 

 

Dear diary,

Hats off to Changmin. He actually made Yunho squash those perfect hills of his together (and to think that Yunhoya always managed to escape my attempts to immortalize this 8th world wonder for future generations). The only sad moment is that Shim will never share this pic with anyone (little brat – I saw your secret folders). And to think that Yunho still thinks his maknae is cute. I tried to make him see the perverted roots of this story but he stubbornly thinks that this was just for “science”…. Sure Yundola, as you say!

P.S. Only don’t run to me when your geography with little Changminnie will suddenly turn into biology.

 

Dear diary,

Changmin really doesn’t waste any time. Yunho messaged me that they arrived safely in Japan and now he is sharing a room with his maknae because no one wanted to do so. Yunhoya is a kind soul that is just walking in the trap without even understanding it. I saw how Changmin riled up other guys on purpose when they roomed together – at first I thought his cleanfreak was showing but now… maybe it was a double plan from the beginning. I can’t say Yunho is very happy with his maknae nagging him about the dirty socks everywhere… Well let’s see, little Min, how your lust will survive domestic problems.

 

Dear diary,

Yundola is… an idiot. Honestly… I would love him to call me JUST once without mentioning Changmin’s name. “Changminnie is that, Changminnie is this, Changminnie listens to me when I am down, Changminnie supports me silently when I am tired or afraid, Changminnie and I are talking almost every night about everything, Changminnie has become my true best friend”… Really, Yunho? Friend? You don’t even understand that you are gone for good. Should I record our calls for you to listen to your diabetes-causing voice? Though you still will not notice anything…

P.S. I was really afraid when I saw this shift in you – Changmin is using all his opportunities to stay close and mark you (don’t you see his wandering hands and eyes? EYES?). He knows pretty well that all his actions and words will be edited out and never taken into notice. He is not taken seriously even by the other three but… as much as I was against it when it became serious now I see how he is the only one who can AND takes care of you for real with all those stickers, vitamins, reminders, quiet listening, nagging and what not... Yundola, you really need him. You don’t even understand till the end how much because Changmin might be the only one who can actually stop you from self-destruct while you try to care for every single person but yourself.

 

Dear diary,

Constantly fidgeting Yunho is unlocked by me – my dongsaeng finally realized his feelings (bravo my Yun-turtle). I thought that maybe this electricity between them would finally go to the ground and stop making the hair on everyone’s hands stand up but… Yunho is Yunho. Never ever could I imagine that a moral conflict could be this huge and frustrating… I mean – can’t he see that Changmin does not care? Since… forever? That if Yunho drags it out more Shim will just jump him in the dorm and then the God of the East is going to turn into a Ghost of the East. “I am afraid to hurt him. He considers me his friend – I can’t betray his trust. Changminnie is pure and innocent…” Oh GOD YUNHO – you saw his porn collection! He even spoke about it on TV!  That boy was ready the moment he saw you doing those freezes in the practice room. I just want to bang your heads together so that you already bang for real and let me out of this shoujo manga when it should have evidently become hentai since long ago!!!!

 

Dear diary,

Our SuJu practices overlapped with TVXQ lately and I saw how our angels-follower Siwon fell for Yunho. Hard and passionately Lol. This couple is doomed – two passionate people are not able to exist without destroying everything around. Fortunately we have a Passion-whisperer Shim Changmin to the rescue. Honestly this boy just has to stop pretending he is not a passion-addict – Yunho, Minho… Shim is hooked on this flame-drug for life. Besides his own passion is yet to be rivalled – opposite to the fire it is like liquid nitrogen – never losing the qualities to fight and break you though its temperature is low and the surroundings are cold. Boiling cold – that is him and his insane determination in everything. He saw through Siwon’s advances right away and now Yunho is in total moral crisis because Changmin does not let go of him even for a second. I hear the chastity belts snapping in the nearest future hahaha.

 

Dear diary,

Someone finally snapped because I saw someone finally limped.

 

Dear diary,

These two are really… disgustingly in love. And they did not tell anyone that they got together… even me? Really Yundola? Thinking you are so smart and stealthy? I will surely make sure I will get a refund on this by putting Siwon on your pretty ass. Changmin might think this hymn-boy is not dangerous with his pure mindset but let me show you how wrong you are. This kind of oblivious person is even worse because you do not know what to expect. Once when I was explaining to him stage-kisses as fanservice he did not want to do them but when I said that through his lips I might reach Jesus – he sucked my face on stage for so long I thought I saw angels smirking at me (my closest case of almost believing in Heaven).

 

Dear diary,

Huhuhu you should have seen Shim’s face when Siwon fed Yunho the cake during our SMTOWN birthday celebration. It will be a lie if I say that I didn’t accidently suggest to Siwon to share that blessed bread with his loved ones. Our pure guy was so excited that he almost shoved his whole finger into Yundola’s mouth. Surely trying to reach the sacred places. Amen!

 

Dear diary,

Siwon was raging today. He overheard Changmin stating his top position in the duo to Kyuhyun. The pure boy thought that Shim was showing disrespect to Yunho by saying this and tried to argue him by saying that Yunho has amazing artistic qualities and inner fire that can burn the stadiums down… oh poor soul… I tried to explain to him that for every Top no matter how _top_ he is – there is always his personal Top in this world but… he is so dense. Right now he is busy with his presentation about Yunho’s amazing stage performances. Well… _performances_ are the right definition – only not on stage.

 

Dear diary,

Never had I thought that these two idiots in love would bring their role playing into the concerts. Bibari and Rui… Bravo, Homin couple! If you can’t make out on stage you will at least show your kinky sides (I still remember that wax evening – I am not going alone to their dorm ever again… my eyes need purgation after this).

P.S. And when I showed those shameless videos to Siwon he honestly thought it was just hugging… well… what can you expect from the person who thinks that Gold Shower = God’s shower. Jesus would be so surprised to know about his other powers.

 

Dear diary,

Should I send Siwon as a distraction and try to find those home videos of this dumb-ninja couple? (I mean come on! All SuJu already know about you… well… except Siwitless but the spokesman of angels does not count). After watching KYHD performances a blind man will see that their nights are charged as hell.

P.S. Tsk tsk Yundola… Shoving Siwon with his first aid kit out of your way to keep those scratchers on your chest raw and highlighted… Who could have thought you two are a match made in heaven?

 

Dear diary,

Siwon was celebrating Yunho’s moving out of the dorm for the whole day. Moving out, my pretty ass! Living separately, my cute ass! Throwing dust into everyone’s eyes so that their little comfy home in Japan will be secured and forgotten here. But let’s see how much time will pass till they get another shared flat in Korea again. These two can’t even sit apart as normal bandmates for one freaking interview.

P.S. How to politely explain to Siwon that when Changmin talks about uncasing the balls with Yunho he does not mean _bowling_ for heaven’s sake!?

 

Dear diary,

If I set a timer on when Yunho will understand that Siwon is courting him and will get a coin for every day – I will die a billionaire. Seriously – the angels-supporter even shows off his muscles right in Yundola’s nose at every opportunity but that leader just can’t. get. it! Though… today I understand his total loss of focus. Jangmi? Huhuhu Guess who will get a perfect night today. I can’t say Changmin is prettier than me but well… he can enter my league – that is I acknowledge.   

 

Dear diary,

Changmin and Kyuhyun drank almost all my wine yesterday and I wanted to use those bottles when I meet up with Hangeng. THEY. PISSED. ME. OFF. I already punished my maknae but Changmin… this little brat knows Yunho will always protect him. It’s all nice, Changminnie! But you forget that I am a superstar Heechul with amazing brain capacity. Just wait!

 

Dear diary,

So I advised to Siwon to make a present for Yunho. He trusted me on my taste and I chose a basket of recently-so-much-beloved-by-our-leader-shi peaches together with _a cute keychain_ (that is what Siwon said – I am not guilty the guy can’t see the difference between the keychain and the sexbeads). LMAO Changmin is not stupid to put two and two together when he saw that – only he can’t even imagine that Siwon does not have any idea what this romantic package means for real. Hahaha I never saw anyone lifting Yunho so quickly and literally carrying him outside.

P.S. Siwon thinks that Yunho has an allergy and that is why Changmin reacted this way… well… I already stopped hoping for the angels’ horns to fix that mind of his.

 

Dear diary,

I am glad I have my own flat to hide from the world – I have enough of Siwon crying about Yunho’s upcoming enlistment. All those letters that he writes (that end up in the trash bin for sure because Changmin is in charge of their incoming mail), all those audio messages and song confessions (that end up being deleted because I saw Shim merging their mails together), all that food he orders for Yunho (that ends up in Changmin’s stomach because… can you resist that pout? Let me answer for Yunho – NO). I am going to miss Yundola… but he really has to enlist as soon as possible. Maybe then I would be able to actually shove some sense into Siwon’s pure blank head. Either this or Changmin is going to go savage the moment Yunho is not around and I am not bailing anyone from prison.

 

Dear diary,

They… he… how… for real??? Changmin is enlisting right after Yunho! OMG! All that money I will receive because everyone made a different bet. I think I will buy a new stereo system hahaha. Those young people just do not know the power of love!

... did I really just write it?....  

 

Dear diary,

And the award of the best torturer goes to Yundola. He is so blind with his love for Changminnie that without any care in the world he asked Siwon to take care of his maknae while he is serving. Changmin should be furious after learning about this lmao.

 

Dear diary,

They say SM is a slave agency – if only they could see how Changmin was ordering around and made our management go crazy with his stubbornness about the stage outfit (Yunho’s) and rings (Yunho’s) for his solo SMTOWN performances. That boy truly does not care anymore. I had to calm down the stylists for an hour. All managers thought that the next day there would be the articles and scandals about famous Homin couple finally being out but... After all those photosessions they made the boys do – no one considers it THAT big LOL. They make Yunho and Changmin look almost married and then wonder how people still do not see anything strange about them. They might be really stupid sometimes.

P.S. Siwon did not talk about Yunho for several days already – this is a blessing. If Shim actually jinxed my maknae’s tongue I DO NOT CARE. Finally no oversweet ballads with naked cupids in my chat.

 

Dear diary,

Kill me. This is 100% proof that there is no God in this world after this. Just when I thought that we could shift into the calm existence of not-in-love-with-other-group-members-especially-those-who-are-in-mad-forever-love-with-each-other-and-don’t-see-anyone-else-except-each-other Siwon confessed that he fell in love with CHANGMIN!!! CHANGMIN????!!!!!! C H A N G M I N? SHIM CHANGMIN? THAT CHANGMIN? WHO DID EVERYTHING TO ERASE SIWON FROM YUNHO’S SURROUNDINGS CHANGMIN? SASSY CHANGMIN? CARING ONLY ABOUT YUNHO CHANGMIN? And he fucking says it’s serious this time… AND IT WAS NOT SERIOUS WITH YUNHO? THAT YUNHO? THAT I-WILL-DIE-FOR-THIS-PASSION-MAN YUNHO? ANGEL YUNHO? WITH THE BIGGEST HEART IN THE UNIVERSE YUNHO?

………………………………………………..

IT WAS NOT SERIOUS? HOW MAY I ASK IT WILL LOOK when Siwon IS SERIOUS? I AM THREE MILLIMETERS APART FROM ACTUALLY FLYING TO ALASKA NOW AND FOREVER FORGET I ENCOUNTERED THIS IDIOTS TRIO!!!!!

 

Dear diary,

I calmed down a bit and decided. In the end I am a hyung. I will drag Siwon back to reality. Or at least I will try to do so… yes… let’s try… and if it does not work… well… maybe it’s… WAIT A MINUTE! If Changmin actually allowed this to happen it means he let Siwon in… if he let him in it means he tries to use this affection to his advantage. What for?... there is only one thing that matters for him in this situation – to keep Yunho safe for himself. Ok Shim! If you are going to play it like this I will sabotage it to my heart’s content for the yesterday’s breakdown. Awesome! Let’s use this to occasionally compensate for all future frustration I am going to pull through explaining the basics of mating to a guy with wings. Homin couple, cheers! To all sleepless and religious nights I spent and will spend because of you!   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and please remember that every comment counts - even the small ones (i would be happy to see your fav moments too if you share))))


	21. A special thanks chapter - Heechul's diary pt2

Dear diary,

The Fate is that bitch, huh? You just have to go to that extent, huh? Not only Siwon enlists into the same forces as Changmin but they are enlisting on the SAME DAY AND IN THE SAME UNIT!!!! REALLY??? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I SPENT TRYING TO PRESUADE HIM THAT THIS WAS NOT THEIR DESTINY AND THAT HE COULDN’T SEND A PROPOSITION TO THE GOVERNMENT TO COMMERMORATE THIS DATE AS A WONMIN-FOREVER DAY????

P.S. I tried to talk to Yunho but that favourite idiot of mine thinks that this is for the best, that “Changminnie will not be alone”… Sure Yundola! Changminnie will be oh so much not alone but under the care of Jesus’ favourite horse. I mean… I understand when Yundola did not see his suitors right under his nose but that is his precious maknae we are talking about. Even when he still was in a maze of his principles – as soon as anyone approached Changmin he was blocking them without a second thought – Changmin was always an exception in Yunho’s equal treatment of everyone around. And now… wow I am afraid to imagine how he will behave when the reality hits him… Actually it will be fun to see – Yunho has always had a certain code of conduct and I could always predict how he would react but with Changmin… Let’s see how this will turn out… Maybe I need to give a little nudge in the right direction?

 

Dear diary,

Donghae called me today and said that Changmin and Siwon comforted him for the whole night when he was feeling homesick again (my poor lovely dongsaeng – I should visit you soon). I couldn’t understand why his voice was so nervious but then he dropped the bomb that they were almost naked after the shower… in one bed… AND Siwon did not even tell me this interesting development! Our CEO prototype really has tricks up his sleeve, huh?

P.S. Quoting my blessed horn-bearer – _Jesus_? Why was there no one to hug me tight during my service? I was such a lonely soul. I wish I had enlisted with Yunho. His hugs are the best. Now imagine finally taking a pic of that 8th world wonder… better not take this diary with me when we meet as SMTOWN next time. Never test your luck with Shim Changmin.

 

Dear diary,

Slap me hard! I contacted Siwon today to get the spicy details on their little outercourse but that… sharp man was excited to share how he had provided his prayer support for the better emotional health of his friends and was happy to see how Changmin and Donghae were sincerely moved by him (“moved” my ass – oh Siwon, the only thing you can move is your eyebrows). He also expressed his determination to protect Changmin from the coyotes around as their hungry eyes follow our screamer around……. right? That Changmin? The one who IS A REAL COYOTE for Yunho? The one who while rooming near EXO last time made the poor kids wake up in the morning from the wet dreams by invading their sleep with his Heaven’s day performance on Yunho? That boy does not need to show the power of his knuckles to Yunho’s hordes of worshippers because… killer eyes? (and the meaning here is completely different from your smitten-pink-vision, Yundola!) His only glance can make the pain of a needle under your nail feel like a sweet kiss…. But… Well… at least Siwon is still intact, I guess. The day my maknae sees the naked truth of the world I will have to prepare for multiply psychiatrists visits.

P.S. I had an itch to send this information to Yunho but he has some serious tests right now and we do not need an agitated Passionista sieging the police quarters with the possibility of making SuJu comeback short on one person.  

 

Dear diary,

Yunho digged his own grave. Siwon saw a pic of a… _Jesus, pardon me…_ lady in red in his phone and now he thinks that Yundola is in a relationship. Well the conclusion is right but the elements are wrong. (Though now my suspicions where that dress disappeared together with the whole make-up set are confirmed huhuhu naughty kinky couple – you still own me for backing you up in front of your stylist saying that that was me... by the way! Why do people believe me so easily when I say stuff like this????) Anyway I tried to remind Siwon that he saw that _lady_ already but his track of mind took a suicide and ended somewhere around “how can Yunho endanger TVXQ’s career by dragging his lover into our company’s concerts”... the point is that whoever _drags_ someone in this situation – that is surely not Yundola and… never mind (an additional reminder not to go to the backstage after TVXQ’s rehearsals).

 

Dear diary,

I asked Yundola to talk to Siwon about his unhealthy support but Yunho was happy that no matter what Changmin had someone to lean on at any time. Yeah… I am sure you will not like _that kind of leaning_ on your maknae. No one wants to listen to an old hyung. Let’s see how you are going to pull your hair when Siwon merges into your Changminnie’s life and is added to the list of people he has unlimited skinship with. As if I didn’t listen to those 4-hours long calls of complaints when Changmin was showering Kyuhyunnie with attention while you sulked in the corner due to you both laying-low status.    

 

Dear diary,

Siwon asked me to send him more ointment because he was worried that Changmin started to have more red marks after excising during his breaks than before… did Yunho finally notice? Or is it the distance that heats it up on the cloud nine?

P.S. I sent him the lube. He sent me thanks. Idiot.

 

Dear diary,

So Yundola finally saw the light! And look how _little_ time has passed! Honestly this trio deserves each other! I am totally buying popcorn for Yunho’s next call because his frustration hit the heaven.

P.S. Shout out to Siwon! I could not even imagine how jealous Yurobbong could be! Something brutally triggers him in Siwon – it seems our saint man possesses some darkness in the end (even if like this it’s good to see that his forever-forgiving and generous heart actually can be selfish and fight for something without going into usual negotiations and trying to smooth the angles). From what I understand Changmin only fires it up by constantly mentioning our angel’s cupid. My applause to the hyung’s pabo! A perfect plan to keep the enemies closer. Only  it backfired so bad and he does not see that at all – totally thinking he controls the situation. LMAO! Should I start writing drama plots? This one would be a total hit with 15 seasons. Siwon may cameo.

 

Dear diary,

Shit! Now I have to follow saesangs’ account because Siwon just can’t tame his horn under the tunic! That little angel of abs went to Gwangju with Changmin to Jihye’s wedding!!! HE FREAKING… ok I calmed down. But holy cats! If only he saw the truth there – when Yunho’s parents actually DIRECTLY were talking about our Homin being true and very much real but NO! “They treat Changmin as their own son! So cute!” Damn it, Changmin IS THEIR SON ALREADY! NOTHING CUTE – JUST PATHETICALLY MARRIED SINCE 2003! Aish! I really can’t destroy that halo of his that prevents Siwon from understanding that when I say that Changmin is interested in horizontal exercises during his breaks it does not mean his trainer found a new muscle building program and he needs to get a hold of it too! Besides these programs are totally not Jesus-approved!! …… Or are they???

 

Dear diary,

Yunho was discharged and finally performed at SMTOWN. I specifically broadcasted his performance and MC to Siwon because I knew he would be cheesy and dumbly-in-love for his whole speech. And Yunho is Yunho! He just had to outdo himself by ripping his pants and showing his love for the fanclub followed by an almost confession about Changmin’s participation in his lower-half life. And you know what, dear diary? Do you think Siwon was affected and saw the light? FREAKING YES! HE FUCKING SAW THE LIGHT OF CHANGMIN’S DISAPPEARING FEET IN THE SHOWER BECAUSE…. Changmin was… EMBARRASED!!!! SURE!! EMBARRASED!!! OF HIS HYUNG WITH HIS RIGHT HAND!!!! AISH!!! CAN THEY ALREADY DISCHARGE SO THAT YUNHO WILL PERFORME A HAPPY-ON-DEER-RIDE FOR SIWON TO UNFREEZE HIS BRAIN?????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading))) comments are my food)))


	22. A special thanks chapter - Heechul's diary pt3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heechul is overtaking me so i am not sure how many chapters i will write about him instead of the planned... one hahahha.  
> I decided to describe only these events here because after that the episode of KB is entering the scene and i am honestly petrified to touch and try to describe those... overboard not-so-subtle actions they shamelessly delivered. so it might take a whole chapter to fit in (^&^).  
> anyway please enjoy^^

Dear diary,

Yundola is unbearable. This kid just can’t stay in his room alone and considering there is no Shim-ban near him this time in Tokyo he terrorized the whole SM family with his essays about the soonest return of his little Changminnie (little my ass, he is TALLER than you, Yunho! No matter how much you try to out-tall him ~~. And stop trying to argue with me when I see clearly how you get high just from being towered by him and ready to snuggle into him!~~ ). Sometimes during your overhyped moments I think that you really had to use that offer to stay in the army until Changmin returns. Whaaaa… those shocked faces of the staff are truly unforgettable hahaha I think you could have announced about your marriage plans and they would go along and pay for your new house just for you to stay at the agency lmao.

P.S. And I know pretty well who panicked from this announcement the most. The same person who persuaded you to decline the offer. Changmin… no matter how hard you want to appear strong and independent you still fear this the most, huh? That Yunho being the passionate and dedicated man he is might find one day something more interesting than music. Something that might not involve you in the future picture. Aigoo as if there had ever been anything but the stage, TVXQ and you… these two idiots in love. Fearing the same thing about each other and not understanding that you are one in everything till the very end.

 

Dear diary,

I visited Siwon in the quarters today. He complained that Changmin didn’t choose him over Yunho AGAIN (for 547th time – yes! He counted! YES! HE FREAKING WRITES IT DOWN!!! HE HAS DIFFERENT DIARIES FOR DIFFERENT OCCASIONS!!! HOW CAN HE STORE THIS ENTIRE LIBRARY IN THE POLICE ANYWAY????). And he thinks it’s Shim’s cute way to tease him… cute! CUTE! SIWONAH! It’s not cute – it’s a HARSH reality! But this angel-lover just can’t see it… I tried to explain to him that Changmin really got his red marks from the massage… by Yunho’s hands – but this choir boy exclaimed that he needed to take the same courses to equal Yunho in skills… yeah right… I will take you to these “courses” at one of the private bars, Siwonie, if you completely irritate me.

 

Dear diary,

I. AM. NOT. TAKING. HIM. ANYWHERE. ANYMORE! I will have to pay for the psychological support of those poor guys! At first when Siwon asked them to show the “course” on each other they thought he just liked to “watch” but after he took out his laptop and started to take down the notes and put the comments into the presentation about the important points of pressure simultaneously asking about the health effects on the anatomy they just threw us out! IDIOT! Be happy that the bar owner is my friend and we didn’t receive a beating!

 

Dear diary,

And we are screwed! I was looking forward to their discharge day as the event that will finally set us free but NO! The fans got emotional and flooded the discharge of my baby Hae – so the company decided to make Siwon’s and Changmin’s discharge as quiet as possible. That means – we can’t go to drag Siwon back to sanity. That means – Yunho can’t go and mark his maknae right there and then for everyone (read SIWON) to see. That means – Siwon is entering an archangel stage of delulu thinking that _“this day is only for us two”._ CAN YOU IMAGINE how hard it was for me to explain to him that this was not their thematic prewedding photoshoot? That these _kind people_ didn’t come to congratulate them on their love? That now they will live separately and NO he can’t ask Changmin to move in with him?

P.S. Yunho completely ate the brains of everyone around with the shouts about his beautiful Changdollah’s return. When I made a comment that his maknae was not that perfect he got so furious that I thought he forgot who the hyung was during that moment…  But… What can I say? Heechul for the world! I am truly a genius. I pointed out that if Yundola continues to shove the awesomeness of Shim to every person he meets it may lead to someone falling for his maknae hard because… Changminnie is so perfect… and we know how many hunters are around… one is veeeery close actually. That not only stopped him in tracks but actually shut him up. How I wish now to film every moment when Yunhoya wants to make a comment about his other half but has a two minutes inner battle while checking the safeness of the surrounding people before doing so. Hahaha he is like the kid from that marshmallow experiment who wants to eat the sweets on the table but can’t because he understands the consequences now.

P.S.S. The whole agency sent me the gifts after this. I will enjoy them when I find the cure for Siwon too. Hopefully…

 

Dear diary,

I am living a personal hell for several days already with Siwon constantly chanting that he is such a beautiful partner to _his dear deer_ (God-or-whatever-exists-there, please erase this rhythm from my brains – or I will start hating all animals soon) and that Changmin will surely be touched by his silent support and an opportunity to spend some time with his family after two long years. Family, right… Shim would totally thank you, my horse-breeder, for letting him sleep on the first day and eat nonstop for the next two days. Mostly not _food._ Mostly just _Yunho_ (glad to see they are both alive after this reunion session).

P.S. I am going to stream their first press conference to single out the best (and surely cheesy as hell) love confessions and send it to Siwon. He should finally wake up after this because even the boys’ managers are already at their limit from the married acts those two play out even during the daylight. The hyungs said they had to tone the car windows even darker and had to hire more personal to try to keep Yunho’s and Changmin’s hands from each other because the notion of “breaks” ceased to exist in the hominland.

 

Dear diary,

Changminnie really doesn’t disappoint! I know he is on another level of skinship and care with Yunho while they are alone but after hearing that now he is not stopping his love-desease even in front of the cameras – I AM WHEZZING! And that Siwon-jab at Yunho LMAO. They just can’t control their faces anymore! OH Shim! Getting Yunho all hot and bothered to keep up the flames of your freaking heavy-breathing-night-life! But Changmin again chose Yunho. Publicly! And those touches with the silly laughs (I understand now the hardships of their management team – maybe I should ask BoA to persuade the director’s board to give them a raise?) I have to send this to Siwon as soon as possible – this will finally deflower his pure brain!!

 

Dear diary,

……………………….

 

*a page is torn out*

 

*another page is torn out*

 

Dear diary,

I asked the agency to send Siwon to some charity for now or I will definitely commit a crime with him around.

HE. IS. KIDDING. RIGHT?

NO MAN WILL CONTINUE TO BE THIS OBLIVIOUS AFTER THIS BUT HE…

He still thinks _Changmin is teasing him… what a cutie!_ DAMN THE ONLY THING CHANGMIN IS TEASING IS YUNHO’S CUTIE ASS BEFORE….  Ok I calmed down. But. What do we do? If three conferences full of confessions and skinship and those private pics from their Japanese apartment that I got from Yundola did not help to open the gates of reality for our Captain Blind then what can? Maybe it’s time to throw out the books about phycology because they are definitely not working on the human beings with angelic DNA and try to use… Meditations? Hypnosis? Spells? Voodoo? Hookups? His parents? Porn? Kiss him again?

Diary? Any advice?

P.S. I am going to forget about Siwon for a bit because Yunho and Changmin will come to shoot “Knowing Brothers” next week. And taking into consideration how “Happy together” went this day will be a disaster. I already feel it. And I am so freaking tired of their antics that if they are too much I will just out them on the national TV myself!  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are air and i am on mars so please support me))
> 
> btw there is really a cute experiment called Stanford marshmallow experiment - go and watch it cause the children's reactions are so cute and funny and it prolongs your life span for a decade.


	23. A special thanks chapter - Heechul's diary pt4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a mess cause Heechul is a mess.  
> It turned out much fluffier than I intended but i rewatched KB episode so many times it hurts how everyone is so gentle and protective about them and shameless Yunho Vsigning his win in Changmin's affections is too real and Shim with his abrupt cuts that made me believe he spilled a lot of love so the staff took a pity and edited it out so that we would not die from all the cheese.
> 
> enjoy^^^

Dear diary,

If this candy-cotton-couple ever agrees to write the memoirs – I am beating them by publishing my version and you know why??? BECAUSE I AM ALREADY FREAKING WRITING IT!!! I went through my notes and THIS is not MY diary – THIS IS A HOMIN DIARY!

 _The story of love and war with a sip of the religion in my life by Superstar Heechul…_ ARGHakrjgkjeoeg

Before I die – I either publish this or make them pay me a lifelong pension in the name of all my precious gorgeous fabulous but now-dead nervious cells.  Or maybe sell it to Dispatch… Naahhhh they will place it in the protected underground safe and burn me for daring to touch their GodCouple. Seriously! Their Thursday Homin worship briefings and even YunMin themed New Year parties are honestly even worse than Siwon’s praying sessions on Changmin’s abs pics. Why is everyone so damaged after coming into contact with these potatoes-in-love?

 

Dear diary,

I am still hiding the shooting of KB with TVXQ from Siwon. Well… I am pretty much hiding from him in general. I tried to distract him from my schedule by opening the wings on his eyes to the sad reality of other fans trolling his interactions with Changmin but he thought that they appreciated and blessed their love! This furry-flying horsie now follows their updates and uses a fake account to ask the questions about the perfect dates he can arrange for his little Shim. He writes the ideas down… in a NEW DIARY! YES!! HE HAS A NEW ONE! AGAIN! IN ADDITION TO THE OTHER 47! He even prints out the fanart and the photoshopped pics of Shim not understanding why Yunho is always a third wheel there… Yeah right… a third wheel… three… that’s exactly the number of convolutions this Captain Straight has left in that perfectly shaped skull of his.

 

Dear diary,

This day has come and I am afraid to leave the dressing room. I feel more nervous about this shoot than about the upcoming episode with my band members. The whole staff experienced nirvana when Yunho and Changmin arrived and now they are praising how they are so down-to earth using the same car though they are rich enough to have a new one for each day of the week. OF COURSE they arrived together! One group, one car, one dressing room, one apartment, one life, one soul…

P.S. I am tired already. They make me feel like I also can meet my other half DAMN IT! These sentiments are not my style! Shoo Shoo Shoo away!!!!!

 

*droplets of wine everywhere on the page*

 

Dear diary,

I am taking that vacation NOW – turning off the phones, securing the locks, locking all my windows and doors to stay in the deserved solitude and try to make my mind clean again. The agency even stored my fridge for several days for me not to go on a rampage again.

Honestly… how can the staff bear with this couple cultivated on the pabo disease and angst roleplaying that led to the partnership union that even the newlyweds envy? I barely survived those 8 hours of shooting…

I used to scold Changmin for the distance he puts between him and Yunho in public and the aloofness that is his second nature when there are interviews and events with both of them but this… THIS has to be sealed! The total lack of self-control, touches-touches, wiping, squeezing, eye-fucking WTH really? Did this bambi drink from the chanted stream? Took Yunho’s vitamins this morning? Maybe accidently hurt his head in the military while fantasizing about the HoHills? Or is it the damage done by performing Oppa Oppa too many times? Umm… maybe Siwon sprayed him with the holy water and opened the gates to Happy Hell Magnets that can’t let you leave the object of your affection for more than 3 seconds?

This is a lesson to think before you ask for something in the future! Changmin should continue loving and cuddling (and ravishing) Yunho OFF the screen. No one will survive the intensity and the power of his… feelings (Even Yunho was taken aback this time. But honestly how is Yundola even alive? Imagining the free-spirit version of Changmin going full force on Yunhoya with his expression of this lovelovelove…  Spare me! I am not healthy enough to pull through this!)

I just returned from the broadcast station. I had to buy beforehand the alcohol for the exhausted hurt-in-the-eyes-by-the-arrows-of-love shooting crew and the sedatives for the soon-to-be-witnessing-the-overcheesy-fairytale-love editing staff – poor them. They are going to have a bloodbath session – to find the appropriate angles and shots of our isshin doutai fools where they don’t grope each other or don’t stand on each other or don’t eat each other through the eyes or don’t spill their romance all over the floor making it so slick that you can slip and break your neck. This is going to be HELL but they have to use at least some of their shots otherwise the whole episode will contain only our baffled faces and their audio on the background.

HOW CAN THEY BE SO FRUSTRATING AND IRRITATING WITH THEIR NO-BOUNDARIES SKINSHIP AND PURE CONFESSIONS THAT THEY MAKE WITHOUT NOTICING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok our dazzling Heechullie, remember the therapy lessons – try to focus on the positive things… … … … … well… … … … ummm… … … … at least they didn’t lock their dressing room this time?

BUT HONESTLY WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM?

YUNHO WITH HIS GENTLE STARING AS IF HE IS MAKING LOVE THROUGH HIS EYES WHILE EVERYONE IS BUSY DISCUSSING SOMETHING!!! I MEAN HE DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK INTERESTED IN THE GUESSING OR LOOK IN OUR DIRECTION – HE JUST SHOT LOVING GAZES AT CHANGMIN ALL THE TIME WHILE HIS PRECIOUS MAKNAE WAS ASKING US QUESTIONS – THIS IS EMBARRASSING!!!!

AND CHANGMIN!!!!! THIS WAS AN OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHNG BUT NOOOOOO!!!!! LET’S TALK ABOUT HYUNG!!!! LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL HYUNG!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE LOVES ME BACK – EAT IT EVERYONE!!! DID YOU FORGET THE TIME HE SHOUTED “HAPPY BDAY” TO ME? DID YOU? HOW DARE YOU? I WILL REMIND YOU! HE WAS SO COOL AND WENT TO THIS EXTENT! FOR ME! ME!! ONLY ME!!! AGAIN! EAT IT EVERYONE!!!! AND MY PARENTS!!! YOU KNOW THAT THEY APPROVE OF US? AND LOVE MY HYUNG? FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE TIMES??? AND YOU ALL CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT ABOUT ME BUT AS LONG AS I AM BESIDE MY HYUNG I AM THE HAPPIEST!!! I WANT HIM TO SHINE AND I WILL MAKE EVERYONE SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL SOUL  AND CHERISH IT! THOUGH YOU WILL NEVER REACH MY LEVEL BUT Y’ALL SHOULD LOVE HIM AND APPRECIATE HIM BECAUSE HE IS PRECIOUS!!!!

ALSO – A WISH TO SPEND THE LIFE TOGETHER AS CLOSE AS IF A PIGGYBACK RIDE??? REALLY CHANGMIN???? SHIT I WAS ALREADY SO FRUSTRATED FROM THESE UNICORNS RIDING THE RAINBOWS IN THE ROOM BUT IT GOT MUCH WORSE AND UNLEASHED MY IRRITATION WELL BECAUSE… DID YOU SEE EVERYONE’S FACE AFTER THIS DECLARATION????? THEY LOOKED SO DUMBLY MESMERIZED BY THEM!!!! I ALMOST AMPUTATED MY FACE FROM THIS SIGHT!!!

For real! We usually diss or make jokes about such things and try to make everything funny but NO ONE even tried to do anything this time!!! They just showered them with the support and admiration WTF!!! Even Soogeun-hyung who is usually the first to twist the words went into the protection and doting mode admiring their love and bond! He praised the way Yunho shouted the birthday congratulation when it was the perfect opportunity to turn it into the hilarious teasing for the preview! (TBH it was really embarrassing AF so shut up everyone!)

In the end I took the role of the attacker because AT LEAST SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE THE DIRTY JOB TO LET THE SHOW STAY IN THE FIELD “FUNNY VARIETY” AND NOT “WELCOME! WE ARE MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS AND OUR FLAME IS STILL THERE AND YOU CAN CRY RIVERS CAUSE YOU WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE THE SAME”. I saw your face Shim when I joked about Yunho’s ripped pants – you definitely recreated this, right? Or did you remember the dances of your hand in the deserted army shower? (Siwon spilled the beans and contrary to him I can make logical conclusions!) And though I talked about Yundola’s passion for advising – judging from your expression now I know that he also likes to shout “I will show you why they call me a King” in that cozy flat of yours – so thank you!

At least I got some revenge after Changmin pissed me off by performing that fragile-glass-Seoul-boy act by faking the dizziness after the fall so that Yundola ran to you with the lightspeed (I saw your workouts, you pretentious Hulk!) and recalled that one time when you dialed my number instead of Yunho’s and begged for my lips (well… there were not only lips in the sentence). You tried to explain yourself only to almost out both of you – thank Siwon’s Higher Dad that I asked the crew to edit this (though the scene will be cut in an awkward place… just as the other cuts too – for example when Yunho talked about you taking drunk pics of…. never mind let me just yoga-coma myself for now)

………

One thing that I might regret though… Aish you were so disgustingly in love and unconsciously spilling all the secrets of your private life that the staff will have to edit now for the sake of the sanity of this world that I tried to bring a rift into that ideal calm lovesea of yours by reminding that Changmin called me and cried and spent most of the time in our dorms and dressing rooms at one point –that you two did not have this paradise all the time. The whole room was so quiet as if I dropped a grenade. I could literally feel everyone judging me and piercing with the killing gazes. Changmin was thrown off the balance and hit me so hard right away – the hyungs dashed to restore the peace immediately (seriously do they know something about the real situation or do they treasure your relationship just as it is?). Anyway Yundola was not hurt at all – I saw that he put the necessary surprised comment for this situation but it was too late on timing to be a sincere reaction. You knew how it was, Yunhoya? And why it was like this? You overcame it and left it behind just as you always do – looking into the future and cherishing the present that you have. Forgiving a lot of people but mostly-and-always Changmin (though that time you both were guilty in the state of your relationship). I regretted this remark a bit only because of Changmin. He is still the same – so confident and sassy and nagging on the outer side but so so much afraid that you might be hurt by anything – especially by him. These moments when he rips all his walls and rushes to make sure you are ok – all his mumbling and adamant intent to explain and comfort and even make a sacrifice of himself just to keep you happy (even when it means him stepping back and leaving you but still cautiously protecting you from the side – he never stopped that even during THAT time).  Still… this would be edited out too. It has to be. Otherwise people will stay single forever and the population will extinct because they will try to find the same partners as you and fail in 99% as no matter what I say to you – you both are really unique damn it!

But well… I can forgive you two loads of exhaustion I experienced just for that time when Shim compared the difference in his relationship with Siwon and Yunho – speaking in such lengths about Yundola’s precious soul and summing up Siwon in one sentence – “no reason – just money” – this is awesome, my deer-leader maknae! (And be as subtle as you think, Yunhoya, but I saw your sneaky satisfied V sign when Changmin was talking about you being such an important part of his life – you totally hurrahed a big FCK YOU to Siwon in your mind at that moment I COULD FEEL IT).

I look forward to this broadcast now as this will HAVE TO CLEAR our angel worshipper’s head and bring peace in our lives!

P.S. it will!............ won’t it?.......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are love!!!


	24. A special thanks chapter - Heechul's diary pt5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayyy finally the last chapter of Heechul's diary!! After this I will move back to our Siwie again (i plan other filler chapters but they will wait for now))
> 
> I didn't update for a long time - so now I shake and hope that the quality is still there - but the success for me will be if you smile at least once^^
> 
> and a sentimental shoutout in my language:
> 
> Я впервые напишу по-русски, но мне хотелось бы отдельно упомянуть группу TOHOTOWN, в котором переводятся и постируются эти главы. Я очень давно ничего не писала из-за загруженности и, когда появилось время, мне было немного боязно возвращаться к этой работе, но пару дней назад я (каюсь, что практикую это в дождливые дни🙈) прочитала комментарии и пожелания о продолжении в группе и вдохновилась) Жизнь действительно интересная штука - ни в одном сне я не cмогла бы представить, что одна из моих работ будет переводится на мой родной язык (по какой-то причине я могу писать только на английском 😂) и именно в моей стране будет так тепло воспринята. Спасибо огромное!!)) и приятного прочтения^^
> 
> so everyone please enjoy this chapter)

Dear diary,

So…..

…………………………………………………………………….

So I was thinking…. Can I contact any Medical Institution that is involved in the brain studies? And send them Siwon? Because I think they will be really thrilled to find out that this boy makes assumptions and conclusions based on his inner angelic harp rather than the head! THIS HEAVEN-ASSKISSED REPRESENTATIVE SAW THAT DAMN KNOWING BROTHERS BROADCAST AND WAS HAPPILY JUMPING AROUND WHEN CHANGMIN MENTIONED HIM BECAUSE EVIDENTLY _IT’S FREAKING LOVE_!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And when I pointed out – very very slowly – for him that Changmin communicates with him mostly because of money this mak _Dumb_ nae exclaimed that he should search for the next acting project so that he would be able to buy his _angel_ anything he wants to make their bond stronger! REALLY!!!!! REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!???????? This is madness… besides, my dear Siwonie, you will never earn as much as Yunho nowadays.

P.S. it seems I have to go into the attacking mode now or the agency will move from paying for my stress eating bills to buying me an island so that I will recover from all this.

 

Dear diary,

Yunho didn’t disappoint me – I love this expressive guy! He actually overdid himself! He confessed his love to Changmin right on the stage of YRPT concert – loudly! Clearly! Spelled it for the dumbest people out there!! And Changmin reciprocated it by the sweetest (blehhhh really, Shim? Where is your usual snarky tongue? Oh right! Everything about your hyung is serious and deep and forever… blehhhh) confession back.

I sent this video to our Siwon but… Jesus? Are you sure your father created the people in his own image? Because this is a rather problematic parent I have in my head right now. Our horsie was enraged by Yunho’s “dirty play” as he phrased it – SO HE NOTICED YUNHO’S FEELINGS BUT NOT CHANGMIN’S!! just HOW????? He wrote to me that he was going to work hard for Wonmin’s brighter future… Oh that baby… he doesn’t get that you can’t rival someone who gave actual names to Changminnie’s abs and there are FREAKING 8 OF THEM!

P.S. I reminded myself of this abs story – now I need a drink… better a swimming pool of whiskey… a swimming pool… that incident… HOW DID HOMIN MANAGE TO RUIN EVERY SIMPLE MEANING OF THE ORDINARY THINGS IN MY LIFE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dear diary,

Siwon created a twitter account dedicated to Wonmin love. He still has 0 followers. Even this sign doesn’t work for him.

P.S. He woke me up today to show that their couple tweets were finally retweeted.  Those fans literally diss his tweets and mention Yunho every time and he is just happy his love is being spread… yeah… more like the rest of my sanity is being spread on the holy blank plate of this angel’s offspring…

 

Dear diary,

We celebrated Halloween at SM today and I managed to sneak out at the moment when Yunho and Changmin quietly left together in the same car. I spammed Siwon with this proof for Changmin’s real affections but he suggested me to take a rest as this angel reincarnation was worried that I forgot the boys were in the same group and that was logical for them to leave together… REALLY? LOGICAL? YOU FUCKING KNOW THIS WORD, ANGIE????? ME TO TAKE A REST???? I am going to break into his house and teach him several lessons!!!!!

P.S. ………..

when I rushed into his house with exclamations JESUS CHRIST to continue my rant this idiot rejoiced at me finally opening up to the church and dragged me to his room to pray for this miracle….

P.S.S. I tripped him on the way and quickly escaped… that was close… now I will have nightmares…

 

Dear diary,

I spent the whole February flooding Siwon with the pics and videos from Yunho’s and Changmin’s birthdays and from that Homin day (I almost hurt my ass while taking those rare pics on that tree) but he is still stuck in that celestial bubble of his imaginary mutual love.

“Hyung, they are friends! Of course they will spend some time together during these days” – ARGHHHHHHH. I AM CURSED!!! Those pics will blow up the world and bring immediate death to the agency staff and mark a new holiday in Japan in the name of celebrating love but nooooo!!!! Our Siwonie knows better!

P.S. but what can I expect from the person who overheard Changmin talking about gifting to Yunho _a pearl necklace_ and wondered if Yunho was into women’s jewelry lately… yeah right… he is into the PORN VERSION of this necklace, you untuned holy horn!!!

 

Dear diary,

Yesterday Siwon asked me if I heard anything about Homin or Minho… is he serious?... is it some secret corporation experimenting on me and fucking up my brain to use the results further in the military field as the weapon of mass destruction? I just…

It’s ok, Heechulah! It’s a great opportunity for us! We have to retract all those bookmarks on the best smut fanfics with the participation of our ultimate couple and send it to him to finally behold the spicy truth! I know I might have to deal with the mental damage and catharsis in our pure water drinker’s head but if the carrots are not working we have to use the sticks!

P.S.

P.S.S.

P.S.S.S. so…. I spent 4 hours choosing the best fics (of course I added some of my masterpieces and some of Changmin’s not-too-bad ones too) and arranging a master link and when after several days I saw that nothing changed in Siwon’s behavior I asked him if he read anything. He said…

……………………………………..

He said that he tried every link but each of them warned him that there might the content not suitable for the people under 18 and our curly buttnaked angel decided not to go in the possible grounds of the devil!

It seems to me that even Jesus himself will not be able to persuade Siwon to see the reality.

I will try one more time to make my maknae use his eyes for their biological purpose and if that doesn’t work I am taking a vacation in some distant temple for a… year?

 

Dear diary,

I was looking forward to Vogue Japan release because Yunho was so happy bouncing around for several days after the shooting and it could only mean that he had lots of skinship with his Changdolla resulting into the uncontrollable vanilla vomiting of their feelings for each other but damn…. I had to sit back and calm my veteran shipper heart to comprehend what Changmin did or rather said!

THE BOY WAS HIGH! Proclaiming his love and going in the full alpha mode with his embraces and touches and that one glass drinking?? Ouch – that is hot as hell! I didn’t expect that Minah will return to his chibi-passive-aggressive moves but it seems all new bees around Yundola got on his nerves. Good job! I am all in with you, my deer leader, when it comes to protecting Yunho’s beautiful soul from the crowds of leeches!

 

Dear diary,

I sent everything from Vogue Japan to Siwon and he called me crying about Changmin being in love with Yunho…

**REJOICE, MY FLOCK! I DID IT!!! I FREAKING DID IT!!! I DESERVE A NOBEL PRISE FOR THIS! OR A STAR NAMED AFTER ME! OR RATHER A UNIVERSE! BEHOLD MY POWER AND PERSISTENCE, JESUS! PRAY TO ME FROM NOW ON, SIWON!**

 

*next 20 pages are randomly torn with the traces of wine, tears, kimchi and very rude horse doodles*

 

Dear diary,

Jesus, where did I make a mistake? Where is that little glitch in this scheme? What did I miss? This can’t be real. I am sleeping. Leonardo DiCaprio will soon find me and destroy this Inception.

Siwon finally accepted the fact that Changmin loves Yunho. He cried so hard when he stumbled in my flat. I was so happy to see the fruits of my plan and the possible end of all our hardships that I didn’t notice when this pure tunic bearer shifted to declaring he would not give up in his quest to win his love back no matter how hurt he was and how strong Yunho is as a rival.

SHIT! SIWON! THERE WAS NEVER ANY LOVE BACK BEFORE AND WILL NOT BE ANYTHING BACK AFTER!

“no matter how hurt he is” AND WHAT ABOUT ALL US?!!!! We are so freaking tired from all this – SuJu has comebacks to make and shows to shoot but we are drowning in this holy mess and my righteous brothers proclaimed me a captain of this operation and fled one by one!!! ARGH!!!

This. Freaking. Guy. I. Wish. To. Make. Him…

This is it!

I AM DONE!

I have to jump into something new and different or I will strangle this boy with the grape-vine from his church garden! And then push Yunho and Changmin into the holy well because how dare they to be so blissfully happy and in love and so in peace and… aish…

All right. I take it all back. These boys deserve their heaven on earth after everything they have been through. And it means I will have to work harder to help them to escape my maknae.

So much work to do but I will take that break before the storm of SM Dubai hits us with this trio show.

P.S. hey, diary! Let’s turn off our phones and drink till morning!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the comments are air)))
> 
> p.s. and if you are interested please do google "pearl necklace" for a slang meaning (the things i do for writing arghjddhjdhdohdihdkdh)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are back to our oblivious angel))) gotta cover the missed months otl
> 
> please enjoy

Dear diary,

Heechul-hyung took me to the zoo today. He was so strange muttering something about the unbelievable animal parallels with my life… but I don’t understand how a tiger scaring me and a deer not wanting to take pics with me and not eating from my hand have anything to do with my personal life? Hyung needs Jesus.

 

Dear diary,

I am so happy! I finally received that portrait of Changmin from Italy! I spent so much time tracking it down and persuading the artist to sell it to me. I had to fight off so many fangirls ready to pay unimaginable money for it… seriously… where do they get that cash? I had to borrow some amount from my other bank account but… nothing matters when it comes to letting Changmin know how much I love and appreciate him! He will come to my house, will see the drawing on my bedroom’s wall and my attentiveness will touch his heart and the old flame of our love will burn again uniting us forever!! A match made in heaven blessed by your light, Jesus!

P.S. today at lunch Yunho showed me the picture of Changmin’s portrait on his wall. He said he bribed Changmin’s manager to buy the portrait right at the spot in Italy and secretly bring it to his apartment to surprise Changmin. The artist was so touched by Yunho’s request and love that he gave it to the manager for free… but… then… what about the portrait that I bought? Jesus?

 

Dear diary,

I noticed how popular couple accounts in Twitter nowadays and also decided to use this opportunity to create a beautiful place to commemorate the happy and loving days of my angel and me. My Wonmin account will be filled with the blissful and tender moments that Changmin was so generous to share with me in the past and the posts about my undying love and fight for his heart and our future together.

P.S. I had some strange messages from a lot of people asking me to remove the account because this ship is not interesting and doesn’t have any ground for existing… I don’t understand why these marines come to my love life and project their labor problems on me? I have nothing to do with the sea work… Ohhh maybe they were perplexed by my photoshop art of our beach wedding theme with Changmin? Strange…   

 

Dear diary,

Today at SM café I was dining with the PDs from one show discussing my potential participation and experienced heaven. I saw Changmin in the other room through the glass wall and he was gazing at me with heart eyes for 15 minutes straight. I hurriedly finished the meeting and waved to him but he didn’t react. When I approached him he didn’t see me until I shook his shoulder. It turned out that there was a TV behind me and Yunho’s clips from their concert were playing all that time… I know this is Jesus punishing me for that barbaric attempt of mine to make the dreams about Changmin come to me every night by placing his pics under my pillow… I get your cruel sign, my Lord of Light! Please forgive me – in the end I am just a weak man facing the power of love.

 

Dear diary,

Today TVXQ managers were so jumpy and agitated in the morning. They were discussing something about how they should tint the car windows even more black. Awwww they care about the sun protection of my little Changminnie so much! Even though they were complaining for the rest of the day how they were underpaid for the level of stress they get from picking up Yunho and Changmin in the mornings they still love them very much!

 

Dear diary,

Yunho flew away to shoot Dunia today and I thought it was the best moment to spend a lot time with my beautiful deer but Changmin said that he was going to rest for several days because he didn’t sleep for the whole night making sure that all the bees around Yunho would not touch him after seeing his work… Do the bees inhabit the regions Yunho is flying to? Is Changmin taking some chemical courses in order to produce the special protection creams? Is he launching his medical brand? So many surprises from my angel even after all these years, Jesus…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slap the girl for qucker updates, seriously do this😆


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i start this every-Thursday's-update mission on Dear Diary. i will try to keep to the schedule to catch up on the events - wish me luck (because i will really need it - i outlined nine events to describe in this chapter and then YES YOU ARE RIGHT my wordvomit happened and i covered only three OTL... i am really damaged. bear with me) 
> 
> Guess what? I am picking up the events on the day of Jangmi’s debut anniversary *a very smug and winking emoji* (to fully refresh your memory you may go to chapters 4 and 5)
> 
> enjoy, my hamsters))

Dear diary,

Today I finally managed to ambush Changmin at the agency after all those days he had been like a ninja. It was really by a chance. I was searching for a quiet place to hold my new noon prayer for our future love and I went to the back wardrobe storage which no one visits until the staff needs to make an inventory. Changmin was busy going through the girl’s dresses there. I was perplexed at first but he explained that this was for a little family celebration on that day. Awwww my angel cares for his sister so much. He picked a very beautiful red dress with the feathers. She will look stunning in this with the heels I helped him to choose.

 

Dear diary,

This is just unbelievable! This morning I saw Yunho checking out the pics of some girl in the red dress in his phone! I think it was the same girl whom I noticed in Yunho’s folders before and whose dresses Changmin was hiding to help Yunho out in the past. But why, Jesus!???? I thought Yunho broke up with her after falling for Changmin? But the pics were fresh because Yunho’s haircut was the same as today! I can’t believe that he would have the nerves to cheat on Changmin but I have to make sure he is not hurting my deer by his half-assed (pardon me, Jesus) feelings! I will follow Yunho around for a while and try to find some evidence – if it is real I must warn Changmin!  

 

Dear diary,

Today TVXQ are flying to Bangkok for a concert and I cornered Yunho with the warnings that I would always put Changmin first in my life. I was about to give him a chance to explain himself and save his soul by confessing of his possibly other-woman-tainted desires but we were interrupted by the bodyguard. He was rather rude, almost shoving me aside and leading Yunho to the car! He is not even Yunho’s bodyguard but Changmin’s! How dared he!

P.S. I saw the pics from the airport. My angel was smiling like sunshine in the morning. He is so beautiful!!  And Yunho was grumpy and unsocial. Huhuhu you know your tail is caught, Yunho-shi? I will get you!

 

Dear diary,

TVXQ held a concert today in Bangkok and my sweetheart was on fire! He is amazing! I called him shortly after the ending and couldn’t lie after he asked me what I was planning for the evening. I confessed that I was boarding the plane to visit Yunho for a private talk this evening. I couldn’t tell him the _whole_ truth – that I wanted to check up on Yunho so that he wouldn’t bring that girl there – so I hung up right away, not to let my tongue slip.

P.S. this is so sad! My bambi and Yunho returned to Korea on the same evening after the concert and I was not able to catch them… I had to let Changmin finish his sentence on the phone because he was clearly trying to warn me that they were leaving the country with those shouts at the end…

 

Dear diary,

This evening I solved the mystery of that girl in Yunho’s phone. And though my quest was short – it was still honorable. It turned out I had nothing to worry about Yunho’s dirty treatment of Changminnie. That girl is Yunho’s cousin who loves designing the clothes as a hobby and sends him her works to get some critical eye as he is close with the stylists. Bless TVXQ’s manager for this information and finally bringing peace to my mind because I can accept rivals in love but only if they are worthy and decent in their behavior.

P.S. by the way the manager definitely needs a vacation as he was stammering and got all red (maybe he caught a flu?) when he stumbled upon me near TVXQ’s van. It was good he stopped me on time before I knocked on the door and was about to embarrass myself in front of my angel. Bless you, Jesus!

P.S.S. it was so strange that the manager didn’t open the car doors as I was leaving but tuned the alarm on… Yunho and Changmin were definitely in the car before… I heard their voices…

 

Dear diary,

I heard how Changmin and Yunho discussed something about the unforgettable experience of 69 position. Are they trying ballet moves for the concert choreography?  Should I sign up to those YT channels to impress my sunshine?

 

Dear diary,

Today is our 1st anniversary of the discharge from the police! I prepared a special event to celebrate this moment with Changmin. I sent him the schedule with the descriptions of all restaurants I was going to take him to and the final destination of that beautiful garden on the skyscraper where I would gift him the gold watch with our initials engraved on the backside. There will be romantic music and a power point presentation I made about our happy times in the military. He will definitely feel sentimental, my tender prince! And his heart will be swayed by my efforts and attention to details! I have to call the limo to pick him up in an hour.

P.S... it is strange… Changmin was not at home when the limo arrived and his phone was off for the whole day. I thought that he could have gone straight to the restaurant but when I reached it, the staff said that my reservations were all cancelled by Kim Heechul-shi. I messaged my brother to explain everything and he sent me a post from Yunho’s IG where he was sitting in some cute small café… how is that even connected? I am not interested in Yunho’s way to numb the pain that Changmin and I have this special day that he cannot steal from our lives no matter what! My hyung is really weird sometimes. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pray for this poor soul and wish him many comments


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: yayyyy i finally wrapped up august 2018 in this timeline! i am steadily catching up, amn't i?  
> may 2019 almost ending: comes and bites my ass with blood spilling all around.
> 
> seriously guys... i am trying very hard but siwie is so blabbery lately....
> 
> anyway - enjoy^^

Dear diary,

I was woken up by the notification from my dear Changmin’s IG account today in the middle of the night and though I was tired after a long day I was still so happy to see it. He posted a pic from his Japanese apartment and I skyped him right away to check if anything happened because it is not like him to post something personal at this time of the day. He confirmed my fears by saying that he couldn’t sleep because he had quarreled with Yunho in the evening. But before I could ask what exactly happened I saw how Yunho barged into the room yelling “You see? I was right! He IS stalking you! I told you!” and disconnected my call.

First – how can Yunho end my calls to Changminnie without my usual blessing for his health and happiness!?

Second – IS CHANGMIN IN DANGER? SOMEONE IS STALKING HIM!! OMG! I have to shut down my complicated feelings for Yunho and talk to him. This matter concerns me too! He should have known by now how I care about my angel and had to share this vital information with me so that we can both protect our love! It’s outrageous that I am cast aside as if I was not a part of Changmin’s most precious period of life!

P.S. on a sidenote – THOSE STALKERS ARE DISGUSTING! How can you invade people’s space without their consent? Never letting the person you are supposed to “love” so much as breathe? And I am sure even if they are told off they will continue their sick resolution to find the means to impose their _love_ on the other person and nourish further their twisted dream of belonging to each other by following them everywhere, creating the accounts for their true love, maybe even tracking every day down in their little perverted database! Oh no! I have to be ready to call my friends from the police for help in catching that bastard! 

 

Dear diary,

It is so strange… Yunho didn’t answer my calls today. After my 87th text message Changmin called me via his phone and said not to disturb them because his hyung was resting after a very tiring night. I wondered if they had a fight again but Changmin said that they had actually made up and started giggling for several minutes occasionally thanking me… for something… for what, Jesus?

 

Dear diary,

I caught Yunho at the agency to ask him about the stalking my angel was suffering from. Yunho got so serious suddenly and with his passion overflowing more than usual backed me to the wall saying that he was going to make sure no horsie would be able to take Changmin away from him…

Is this it? A horse? Phewww…  I was worried that a dangerous person is after Changmin but it seems my Bambi is on his usual speer to win love from all the animals around hahaha. What a kind soul he is if even the animals just cannot but fall in love with him? Stay with Jesus and you will have the same pure soul as my Changminnie)))    

 

Dear diary,

Changmin is such a hardworking cute bee. His cherishes his work and is so dedicated to everything – that is why I decided to mix his working schedule with some fun. I still remember how happy he was eating during that banquet event at SM – so when I was suggested to join the negotiations for a potential food CF I immediately thought of Changmin as my co-star. He was so excited to discuss the details and the concepts with me (not saying that that payment would easily buy us a house of our dreams right away). Everything was so smooth and perfect until he learned about the shooting date. He suddenly checked his calendar and cancelled everything. No matter how hard I tried to persuade him he said he was very busy on that day and wouldn’t be able to participate… this is so strange… I checked his schedule and he would have a day off during this occasion… Jesus?

 

Dear diary,

Today I had the CF meeting and felt really sad that my Changminnie was not by my side… I expressed my regret to Heechul-hyung and he sent me the link to Yunho’s Cultwo radio broadcast today. This hyung really doesn’t listen to what I am saying, does he??

 

Dear diary,

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Changmin……………………………..

………………………………………………..he………………………………………………………

I saw Yunho’s broadcast and it turned out that Changmin listened to it online and texted Yunho all the time and they were bickering in a way I dream him to do it with me and Yunho knew all Changmin’s schedule ahead even when their managers said to me today that the company didn’t issue the official directions for them yet… I really don’t understand… he could have had money and fun at the shooting with me but threw it away for staying at home and listening to Yunho’s voice? How harder should I try, Jesus? Is there a way? Will he for once not choose Yunho?

 

Dear diary,

My psychologist says that in order to move forward I should not see the things where they do not exist. But how can he not understand??? Changmin was at Hermes event today and I saw the videos of him riding a pony! A PONY! Don’t they get it? It is a small _horse_. A horse. ME!!! The one and only famous horse in the house! Changmin still has those lingering feelings and I am just a step from refiring our flame again with the right actions!

P.S. Heechul-hyung said that considering how Changmin has been attending and wearing _Hermes_ again and again for personal reasons and not for promotions on most occasions – a completely different stallion chained him by that brand forever. This hyung’s heresy nonsense, I swear… sometimes I think he is high on something with his strange descriptions of nature and fashion.

 

Dear diary,

Today TVXQ were leaving to Japan to prepare for the tour and I wanted to personally wish Changmin a safe flight and take a good look at him before he is hidden from my view for all those days of work overseas. I was going to go to the airport but accidently found out that Yunho would be departing alone this time. I had to rush to Busan as Changmin had evidently stayed there after the event to get some rest and then fly from that airport but I was late… his flight already departed when I arrived… it was raining and I felt like Jesus was crying with me.

P.S. I have to talk with the agency. The fact that TVXQ managers couldn’t confirm to me for several hours when and how their idols are going to leave the country is just unacceptable! 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... please drop by to say if this series is still allowed to breathe????  
> also remember - jesus, love, peace, fried chicken!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me updating again diligently following the schedule (even though i went through the darkest inner shit just a day before writing this light-hearted series - so i am kind of... proud of my amazing switching ability(?) and thankful to siwie's stalkerish embrace and protection)
> 
> this series lives and i am happy to still find fun creating it)))
> 
> please enjoy!

Dear diary,

My angel is busy in Japan preparing for the tour and though I am proud of him being a dedicated artist who cuts all his communication to a minimum (all my 246 messages are still unread) during times like this – I miss him so much. I decided to fill the void in my chest with something productive for our love and got a flower in the pot. I intended to raise it as a symbol of my eternal love and the charm for Chami to return my feelings when he sees my endless efforts. Unfortunately all 47 flowers I bought withered after several days no matter what I did. Heechul-hyung said that this might be a sign… should I change the flower shop? Or maybe modify my flower prayer? Jesus?

 

Dear diary,

I met Lee Sooman-songsaenim at the agency today. We had a lunch together and he mentioned that he decided to visit Japan before departing for Indonesia next week. I expressed my gratitude for his endless care for his artists and wondered if he was going to encourage Changmin and Yunho before the start of the tour but he said that he wanted to meet up with them only because he had missed their anniversary and couldn’t give his present to them last time. I silently prayed to Jesus for his health because our beloved songsaenim seemed to mix up the dates as their anniversary was to be only in December and as gentle as possible I tried to remind him of this detail but he suddenly smiled softly and patted my shoulder, muttering something about “oh my poor boy… one day you will greet the reality”… that was so strange… does he mean the agency has some kind of solo plans for me? Why would I greet anyone alone? I love my SuJu group – I have to remind the management about our holy destiny to be together forever.  In the name of Jesus we will stay united!

 

Dear diary,

I heard that Changmin would return to Korea for several days and I was excited to welcome him back in the most romantic way! I painted the road in front of his apartment’s windows with hearts and my promise to love him forever. I was so proud because it turned out to be so beautiful and he would have been definitely moved to tears if it were the first thing he saw when he woke up.  But today when I drove back to his home I saw the workers removing the asphalt right on the place where I had left my message. I asked the security about the reason behind these actions and they said that they were just making the usual refreshment reconstructions they had intended to do long ago but today they noticed that they couldn’t postpone it any more due to the complete damage that was inflicted on the road... so strange… yesterday when I painted the asphalt it looked perfectly in shape for me… well… the scheduled work is not something I can interfere with – especially when these people take their responsibilities so passionately.

P.S. as I was about to leave I heard the security calling Yunho and saying that they “handled the problem and he shouldn’t come today”. They must have feared of Yunho possibly being stuck in the traffic jam that was caused by this road reconstruction? The staff in Changmin’s house is so caring – just like my angel!

 

Dear diary,

Yunho called me today and said that I should watch TVXQxShilla promotional videos very closely because they contain a lot of their personal input and a very important message from Changmin to the world, especially as I constantly ignore all Yunho’s efforts.

First of all – how dare he accuse me of such low jealousy! I may be his rival but I try to support my label mates as much as I can by streaming and buying the things they promote.   

Second – he should not have even asked me to watch Changmin’s videos because I always wait for any of his releases and even set up the notification for those days! I will never miss my beautiful Chami’s work!

P.S. and what a nerve to imply that I might miss any hidden message from Changmin in his videos and interviews?? I saw Shilla promos and it is clearly seen that Changmin likes to have a spare item of everything he buys just in case (my practical prince ^*^) so I will work hard to be able to buy as many matching goods as possible for my duty free fanboy!

P.P.S. now I understand why they sometimes arrive so early at the airport and go to that secluded lounge of theirs. They ought to show off their shopping additions^^ such cute people!

 

Dear diary,

Tonight I had a very weird dream. Changmin was there but I couldn’t reach him because a shadow was blocking my way. When I tried to warn Changmin of this dark existence – he smiled widely and hugged that shadow saying that this was his one true love and the shadow started to turn into someone but I woke up at this moment. I asked Heechul-hyung’s advise to decipher it and he promised to help. Several days later he sent me a link to Yunho’s new IG [posts](https://twitter.com/yeonpilpath/status/1131264428874379265?s=19) about his late night walk through the streets… Does he want me to call Yunho and share our experience with insomnia lately?

P.S. by the way my respect to Yunho for practicing English hashtags! He is trying hard for his international fans!

 

Dear diary,

Today Changmin spammed me with the screenshots and videos from Yunho’s “I Live Alone” episode when he visited Gwangju. I can understand my Bambi’s enthusiasm because Eunchae is a very cute and beautiful baby!!! Changminnie couldn’t stop gushing about “his angel niece” (hahaha that’s what he called her! Yunho must have influenced him a lot with the unrivalled love for his new family member). I was so overwhelmed by the intensity of his feelings that I mentioned my angel being even more passionate than the famous SM trio. He answered that this trip made Yunho and him realise that they shed any lingering doubts for the possible parenthood.  Awwww the first steps for creating a family in the future! I hope Yunho will also be able to find a suitable partner who will love him back in the future.

 

Dear diary,

These days my longing for Changminnie is so vast that I can’t even sleep properly. I miss him so much! I should confess these silent periods while he is in Japan are taking a toll on me. That is why I was so happy to see the fans tweeting that during their concert Yunho and Changmin announced the phone numbers which you could call and hear their recorded answers! I immediately dialled Changmin’s number but… the call failed again and again, followed by a Japanese autoreply notifying me that this number was not available and cutting my connection… maybe the fans mixed up the numbers? But Yunho’s phone was working properly! Though… the message was a strange one – asking to never call again… maybe the Japanese phone company providing this service was hacked? Oh Jesus, take care of them!

 

Dear diary,

All this time I was wondering why Changmin never mentioned my presents that I sent to him to keep his spirits up in another country – so far away from me – and the mystery was solved today. All the parcels to my angel returned back to me from Japan customs… maybe my Japanese writing is still not coherent enough? I should try harder learning it! Fighting, Jesus!

 

Dear diary,

I had the strangest encounter while going through the customs in Japan… When I showed my passport they kept me for 40 minutes interrogating (I have no other words for that) what the purpose of my visit was. They somewhat harshly warned me that since I had a working visa they couldn’t allow me to cross the border for tourism or any personal affairs. I really had some work to do there – meeting with the sponsors for one of my projects – but they demanded me to provide them with all confirmation documents and the itinerary for all the days, even calling the hotel to check my reservations. Thankfully in the end they allowed me to continue my trip.

P.S. all these tightened security measures… it seems the world peace situation is far from the ideal at the moment… I will have to accept this for the sake of all people’s safety.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder i will be LOUDLY screaming and dancing with the dumbest grin on my face if i see a comment and feel your kudo) 
> 
> stay positive and pray for siwie^^


	29. A special chapter - God's diary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't look at me! this guy just couldn't hold it in anymore and made me do it.
> 
> anyway i had this character in mind for a long time and in the end i had so much fun writing this chapter - i always wished to write about Heaven with a setting like this)) so thank you siwie for providing me with the material!
> 
> please enjoy my weird imagination^*^

Dear diary,

Never trust your son when after so many years he suddenly shows up in front of you with the trophy “Best Dad Award”, hugs you tightly and sweet-talks you into giving him a vacation. This is all a lie. This is no “Best Dad Award” – THIS IS “Best Frustration 24/7 Award”! My son ran away to Devil knows where (I asked him but he still doesn’t want to help me find Jesus) and now I can’t escape this lovesick nonsense!

CHOI SIWON! WHO THE HOLY HORN WAS ABSENT DURING YOUR CREATION? I need to go to the archive to check the scrolls!

P.S…. these innocence-flyers … of course they tied up all loose ends already. You are lucky we don’t have the security protocols as strict as in Hell…

 

Dear diary,

Will I get any rest nowadays? Tonight I was woken up by Siwon’s prayer at 3 a.m. because he got a notification from Changmin’s IG… CAN’T HE CHECK HIS UPDATES IN THE MORNING?!!!

………………….

Of course he can’t… I had to sit through his 20 minutes prayer for “their eternal love”. FOR MY SAKE, SIWON! I AM NOT THIS KIND OF GOD! Go to the Greeks and their Cupid! I cannot do anything here (and even if I could – I WOULDN’T!). Why can’t we also have this Twitter muting/blocking feature in Heaven? It would have been so quiet! But no! The Heavenly department can’t change the rules of thousands of years! This bureaucracy! Who gave you the job, ungrateful children!

 

Dear diary,

I can’t even properly care about my beautiful garden because Siwon is constantly praying… and praying and praying and praying! Child, this amount of Jesus is not necessary in your life and faith. Once a day is enough but you have already lauded his name for several generations in advance! I would have gone mad if not for my beautiful Yunho and Changmin performing so magnificently in Nissan today.

Awwww… just look at these two! My bestest children! I created the world in 6 days and took the next day to rest to prepare for forging these two beautiful souls! My most beloved soulmates! I was surely blessed with inspiration, luck and skills to bring them to life on that day!

(and if you think that you can go and snitch any of them away from each other – YOU ARE SO VERY MISTAKEN, MY FUTURE MUTE ANGEL! SO VERY WRONG ABOUT EVEYRHTING!)

 

Dear diary,

I think that in this life my dear Yunho and Changmin shine the most. I have to send my sister Fate those golden pens she has been bugging me to lend to her in a gesture of eternal worship of her talent. Her amazing scenarios for them are so entertaining and heart-clenching! They have a right dose of everything a pair of soulmates needs but Yunho and Changmin have always had a talent for a little surprise here and there, making them a unique and unforgettable couple to watch. Of course it makes my sister rather frustrated that they don’t usually follow a certain path she writes for them but I know Fate adores them enormously even when she is complaining about their frequent denseness and stubbornness. There is never a better evening than to watch them finally opening up to each other! We usually cry rivers with Fate on days like these. I remember once they… OH SIWON! NO! NOT NOW! STOP PRAYING FOR HEECHUL’S SOUL – THIS MAN IS SAFE AND SOUND AND DOESN’T NEED SAVING UNLIKE SOMEONE! ARGH!!!

 

Dear diary,

I was prepared to open that barrel of wine tonight when I saw Siwon sneaking into the shaman’s house. If only the spirits could have taken care of him for several days so that I would be able to get some rest I would have been ecstatic but alas… he returned back home and started the same tune all over again.

P.S. give me a break, six-pack-under-the-tunic-so-why-should-I-use-my-logic-what-is-logic?! You at least have “Jesus” to call upon during the times of helplessness! And what about me!? Whom should I beg to listen to my prayers!? This is so unfair!

P.P.S. Jes, please come back sooner!

 

Dear diary,

My poor child Heechul! I was also hoping your dongsaeng would see the light after Knowing Brothers broadcast with our lovely boys all over each other but… The holy earplugs seem to be cemented in his ears so hard that even the angels’ horns can’t make him wake up from this illusion. 

P.S. my sister complained for the whole day that I didn’t call her to join me and Heechul while we were drinking our frustration away yesterday. Oh, Fate! No wine was enough to wipe away this feeling…

P.P.S. I think at some point we were so drunk that Heechul saw me for a second when my disguise was broken. Have to send him more strange dreams to get this memory buried.

 

Dear diary,

Argh! For My sake, Siwon! We don’t “fighting!” here in Heaven! Stop dragging my son into this unorthodox prayer!

 

Dear diary,

I asked the angels to send a rainstorm to Siwon’s district to prevent him from ruining Changmin’s surprise event for Yunho.

P.S. A reminder for the future – better to find another way to stop him. Rain makes him sentimentally sing the chorals which with time start mixing up with Changmin’s best “love declaration” songs and this combination is too R21 for the Heaven’s  newbies. I had to give some days-off to the poor victims (the fact that several angels volunteered to finally go cross-training in Hell for several months is a fact I would love to forget). 

 

Dear diary,

Devil visited me today to talk about the budget for the upcoming year and had the laugh of the millennium watching me trying to suppress the pain of “dear deer” prayers hammering me non-stop… Thanks, Siwie!

 

Dear diary,

HA! He who laughs last, laughs best! I just signed a patent for a new torture technique delivered at Hell. My demo version was a huge success. The sinners have to watch “Siwon’s quest to win love” without any breaks. Devil said that this broadcast quickly rose to the most successful torture device of the year. The viewers break down during the first hour and beg for an eternal boiling cattle or a strappado in exchange to never see this again. We are thinking of letting those who can survive a year of this “quest” to have a right to plead for a pardon.

Anyway – I will not suffer alone! And I will create as much good influence on the dark souls out of this as possible! We will turn it into a new cleansing ritual. All sinners who go through it will have scary flashbacks of this punishment if they ever dare to think about committing a crime again!

 

P.S. Jes, where are you?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well my littles hamsters, please do drop by to tell me about YOUR frustration level with siwie on a scale from 1 to God))
> 
> love you all and thank you for following this insanity for such a long time!  
> /next update from siwie is to be on thursday*^*/


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are back to siwon and his little crisis)) 
> 
> the end of 2018 was truly a rise in content of homin with siwie lurking in the shadow of their love. 
> 
> please enjoy the beginning of the upcoming storm in siwie's soul.

Dear diary,

Changmin is so busy lately that I can’t even catch him when he comes back to Korea for a while. My apple cheeks… I miss him so much! That’s why I was so happy to see him posting that picture on IG expressing his desire to go to the sea. This was like Fate blessing me because I have all resources to make my Changminnie’s dreams and wishes come true! I would buy us first-class tickets to fly to any destination he wants, rent the whole hotel for us to get away from the noise of the city and gift him all those gold watches I collected for him (I still remember his strange obsession with this part of the wardrobe in the army – he took off the watch Yunho had given to him only during showering... this must have been the only source for him to count the seconds till our frequent memorable breaks together as during that period we were so happy and very much in love… ~~if only Yunho hadn’t interfered~~ ). I left him a comment under his post suggesting to go on a trip together as soon as possible. He will surely see me as his escape from the monotonous activities with Yunho after all this time! My chance has arrived! Wish me luck, Jesus!

P.S. my angel replied that I must be busier than him and declined my proposition… but I am not busy at all! Not for him and such an occasion! I messaged him directly trying to explain my true intentions but Changmin was only sending me the smiling emojis with negative answers back until he said that Yunho called him to watch a movie… How can a simple movie at the rented home for work beat all my plans for us?? Jesus???

 

Dear diary,

I think I overreacted. Changmin said that they watched a horror movie yesterday and I know how Yunho is scared during them. My Changminnie is an angel to stay and support his hyung. But really… for Yunho to use a dirty move like this (as if those wandering hands during the interviews and sneaky glances are not enough for you, Jung!) to be able to hug Changmin for the whole evening! This hyung certainly doesn’t even understand how this may torture a person who is secretly in love with him! Changminnie is too shy to even think about confessing his feelings and Yunho’s oblivious side goes overboard sometimes! I have to softly guide my Bambi away from this Casanova hyung (all those lovesick victims of his *just remember that unhealthy obsessed DinDin* are always lurking around with their hearts broken and I don’t want Changminnie to end up like this when Yunho falls in love with someone else again – only with me my angel will know peaceful life).

 

Dear diary,

I looked forward to skyping Changmin this evening but he said that he would be busy enjoying his perfect evening… but he just went to my dear D&E Japanese concert with Yunho… Is he such a fan of my brothers that this counts as a perfect evening? Should I ask Donghae and Eunhyuk to give me their limited merch and albums to win my sweetcheeks’ heart?

 

Dear diary,

I saw all SNS overflowing with the videos of Yunho dancing during D&E concert. The people mentioned how passionately he did that and how lovingly Changmin was looking at him. Jesus, I think this is a challenge sent to me! Recalling the past I remember Changmin was always kind of dazed during the dance practice. At that time I thought he was unsure he would be able to ace the moves but now I get it – he loves people _dancing_ in general (this must be a reason why he was the only one who stayed with Yunho in the practice room till midnight back in the days). So now I just have to show Changmin my determination and love by recording and sending my most passionate dances to him! He will see that not only Yunho is able to give it his all and it will break the enchantment by this tricky hyung! Fighting, Jesus! We have a lot of work to do because no matter what Yunho is still a prodigy in dancing (just WHY should HE be my rival?!).

 

Dear diary,       

…………………………………………………………..

Dance video #57 – I still can’t win… when I skype Changmin – he always watches my dances till the end praising my improving technique more and more with each time but when I ask him if he would finally choose me by the end he slightly chokes on his laugh and says “only Yunho”…

This hyung is really unrivaled… do I even have a chance to beat him in anything else?

Should I…

just…

give up?

 

Dear diary,

Worship Jesus with me today… I need your strength.

 

Dear diary,

YES, JESUS! THANK YOU! I KNEW YOU WOULD SHOW ME A SIGN THAT OUR LOVE IS TRUE AND CHANGMIN IS MY SOULMATE!

Honestly I was about to try to look up those church pamphlets to search for the ways to move on from the broken heart when my dear dongsaeng Kyuhyunnie posted the picture of him, me and Changmin together on IG. It is truly a blessing to know that the Heaven felt that I needed an encouragement and used my little brother to remind me of the blissful past with my angel! They are right! I can’t give up! I can’t live Changminnie to devilishly naughty Yunho! My Bambi needs me to keep him safe and pure just as he is! I will show you, Yunho! Just wait and see my power supported by Jesus!

P.S. I saw Heechul-hyung crying on Kyuhyun’s shoulder today while Kyuhyunnie was chanting “sorry sorry sorry”… are they practicing a ballad version for our famous song? Wow their acting skills are superb! This version is so emotional!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and commenting - i was showered with good response to god's diary and i am happy this series still lives🙏
> 
> siwie will come back on next Thursday^*^


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and all hell broke loose in siwieland hahaha
> 
> october events are wrapped up (only Halloween is missing i think)
> 
> so please enjoy^*^

Dear diary,

My manager will be nagging me because of the dark bags under my eyes tomorrow but I couldn't go to sleep early tonight as I was blessed with more signs that Changmin and I were born for each other. Heechul-hyung sent me a link to a peculiar thing - AO3 (most of their material is of Adam-and-Eve-before-apple-eating rating but i found some works that are R-Jesus, amen!). A lot of beautiful people write a lot of beautiful stories there and can you imagine that our couple is showered with their love and anticipation to see us together, Jesus? There are not that many stories yet - probably because the source was founded not long ago (I will have to check this out) - but people portray us in such a sweet way (though somehow my appearances usually end in the middle after Yunho comes into narration - why do they even mention him in my stories?). Anyway it's amazing to know our relationship is known and appreciated!

 

Dear diary,

Today I had a fan-meeting and my heart was fluttering while I was watching my beautiful Changmin's support video! My angel cares about me so much! He even watched my drama! I was touched and overwhelmed with his love but my mood involuntarily soured a bit when the MC was constantly repeating "TVXQ... TVXQ... the other half of TVXQ"... Changmin sent this to me as Shim Changmin! MY Shim Changmin! And people have to understand this too - so I mentioned how close we became after the army, even closer than he and Yunho. I know the latter statement may be a bit untrue but the difference is _NOT_ that big and people must learn to accept the inevitable future! I have to start the campaign for our eternal love!

P.S. I saw how my manager and the other staff were frantically begging and bribing the fans and the participants of the event not to post any of this material online... I understand my mistake - I should not have mentioned my love life during work but still... they didn't have to go to that extent! Besides I understand that my manager is a maknae in the company but should all newbies report to TVXQ managers about what is happening with other artists? And why to mutter "Don't let him hear about it! We will fix it! We have to avert the Emperor's strike!"??? How do Star Wars connect with my safety? They are RIDICULOUS!

 

Dear diary,

I saw Yunho posted a video of him drinking banana milk on IG. I expressed to Changminnie my surprise at Yunho's strange choice of the filter but he said that he decided to shoot that video like this because it resembled quite closely the way he saw Yunho every day... Does Yunho overdose on banana milk? Doesn't he know that even simple milk can trigger an allergy if consumed too much?

P.S. Heechul-hyung smacked me on the head when he saw me writing this right now. He said I didn't get anything right and showed the video to me again and again until he screamed "THE HEARTS, SIWON!!!"

Now I get it.... now it hurts a bit more... how to beat this level of love, Jesus?

 

Dear diary,

I know how to make my Bambi see me the same way as Yunho! I ordered it on eBay!  


Dear diary,

Finally! A special version of the virtual glasses where you will see the hearts circling around the person you are looking at arrived today!

P.S… I gifted the glasses to Changminnie, looking forward to him exclaiming "Hyung! You are in my hearts!" but he smiled softly and whispered "Just like with Yunho"... 

Jesus is right! Technology progress is an evil scheme of the Devil!  


Dear diary,

I was so excited to have a break during the shooting today because I noticed a lot of notifications from Changmin in my inbox... but it turned out that all those 28 emails were the answers to the screenshot about Yunho's passion trending in Korea. He didn't even notice my PDF essay with the charts and tables showing our close passion range and that I do not differ that much from Yunho in this aspect. In the end Changmin just made me research and send to him all data about Yunho... well... at least we were exchanging messages almost every hour! I bet even Yunho doesn't write to him that often! Fighting, Jesus!

  
Dear diary,

My manager showed up all haggard at my house and told me not to pick up any calls from Yunho today. I think his phone must have been stolen or hacked because the manager was muttering something about the video and translation from some fan-meeting going viral right now and that the consequences were already dire for them as TVXQ were heading to the airport.

Is someone impersonating Yunho to attack TVXQ’s image? Or worse… personally Changmin??? I have to call him to make sure my sweetcheeks is ok!

P.S. I blacked out for a bit… the manager said he accidently dropped a vase on me… such a clumsy guy! Help him, Jesus!

P.P.S. It’s so sad that I missed so much time and Changmin is already flying to Japan with Yunho! I tried to watch the videos from their airport departure but couldn’t concentrate because my manager was sobbing _“he didn’t wait for him… he didn’t even look back”_ uncontrollably by my side all the time… Did Yunho forget to pose for the press cameras? Come to think he really looked strange… even Changmin was jumpy and sad… I wonder what happened…

 

Dear diary,

I saw a lot of kind people on SNS mentioning Changmin’s video at my fan-meeting! Cassiopeia is getting to know me more and more – soon they will welcome me into their circle and I have to work hard on strengthening my bond with Changminnie. I will proceed with my intention to make more beautiful memories with my angel by resuming my supportive and loving comments on his IG posts!

P.S. I decided to be bold today and put a lot of heart emojis on Changmin’s posts! Kyaaa!!!

 

Dear diary,

Hahaha Changmin didn’t send me any hearts back… is he too shy?

 

Dear diary,

Changmin still hasn’t answered any of my comments… he didn’t even like them to let me know that he saw them… Are there any problems with WiFi in Japan?

 

Dear diary,

Heechul-hyung sent me the fan accounts stating how actively Yunho gestured to Changmin all the time while he was describing anything connected to a loved one in people’s lives during the concerts… Playing dirty again, Jung? It’s your luck my visa has expired suddenly several days ago! Jesus is the witness to my holy wrath!

 

Dear diary,

The agency was in a chaos today because they decided to move the release date of Season Greetings (they called it _the horse tongue damage control…_ is it a new marketing strategy?). The management also said that the concept would sober up anyone-delulu-with-his-personal-dreams but Heechul-hyung was laughing at them like a madman. He asked me to come closer to view and give a feedback on TVXQ’s pictures. I still can’t understand why the management flipped the whole room up when I mentioned that the flowers are always a trend and congratulated the manager-hyung on the wedding when he mentioned this out of nowhere…

 

Dear diary,

It’s already several days and Changmin’s phone is still out of reach… Japan really has to check their network! What if other people have an emergency!

 

Dear diary,

Changmin called me today! I wanted to describe to him all things I planned for us on his next visit to Korea but Changminnie interrupted me by shouting that he had only 5 minutes to talk while Yunho was out walking the dog (do they help the neighbours? What is with this dog?). Anyway – my angel demanded me not to mention any kind of comparisons of his relationship with Yunho because “there is no one like hyung! Can you imagine what I had to go through because of this mess! Hyung is the best! Only he matters! No one even comes close! Stop sending hearts to him through me trying to apologize! Just follow Yunho and send him a message directly! NO! DON’T FOLLOW HIM! STAY AS YOU ARE NOW! DAMN HE IS BACK! REMEMBER WHAT I SAID!” and his phone battery must have died because I couldn’t reach his number again after that.

So the things I should remember…

  * Changmin is still in love with Yunho…. _~~sadly~~_
  * He is afraid that Yunho will see him talking about private matters while working overseas and it means:
  * Yunho still continues to give hard time to my angel despite of his infatuation,
  * I have to try to communicate with Yunho more (is it a hint to beat him in this love battle, Jesus?)
  * And Changmin wants me to stay the same because he likes me just like that)))



 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and commenting. ily, my little hamsters)) see u next Thursday!
> 
> hugs, pinches, holy hickeys🙈❣


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